


A Lesson In Love

by Jesapeak



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Harry, Bottom Louis, Break Up, Crying, Depressed Louis, Drinking to Cope, Drug Use, Eventual Happy Ending, Excessive Drinking, Hand Jobs, Louis is trying to cope with Jay's death, M/M, Makeup Sex, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Post-Break Up, Recreational Drug Use, Sad Harry, Sad Louis, Smut, Suicidal Ideation, They have a lot of run ins post break up, Top Harry, Top Louis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-06 00:33:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 43,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18839983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jesapeak/pseuds/Jesapeak
Summary: Struggling to deal with his mom's death, Louis shut everyone out. It seemed like a good plan until it cost him the one thing he never thought he'd lose.Harry tried to be there. He tried to understand when Louis avoided being home until Louis missed something Harry never thought he would and he couldn't take it anymore.They both try to move on but the universe seems to have other plans.





	A Lesson In Love

**Author's Note:**

> Art by [Pocket Sunshine Harry](https://pocketsunshineharry.tumblr.com/)
> 
> This fic mentions Jay's passing. Louis is trying to cope with it for a lot of my fic.

 

\-----------------------------

 

Staring down at his desk, Louis let out a long sigh. He’d been in meetings all day, his head hurt, and he really, really just wanted to take his break but it wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. He could tell from the quiet fury radiating off the man sitting opposite him and he was so over it.

"You don't agree, Louis? You think you're actually trying?"

He ignored him, knowing it was going to piss him off more than if he responded. It wasn’t like he didn’t already know he’d fucked up, but the clients had been horrible, refusing every little thing he’d come up with, so he’d finally just given up. Was it very professional? No, but the look on their faces was worth it.

"Lou. I'm trying. _Let me help you_."

Looking up to Zayn, he narrowed his eyes. Zayn just raised his brows, smug as hell smile pointed right at him, and he hadn't wanted to punch him out since senior year but he was alarmingly close to doing it now.

"Oh, you don't like it either, huh? I mean, "Let us help you". What the fuck, Louis? You're better than this. Man, since your mo-."

"Don't, Z."

He hadn’t spoken the whole time Zayn had been in his office, being a dickhead because Louis fucked up, again, but he couldn’t let him go there. Just the mention of it had his chest feeling like it was going to cave, the ache making his throat tighten. It still got to him, how casually everyone just mentioned it, like he should be over it, like he was ever going to be over it.

Blowing out a breath, he pushed his hair off his face. He really needed to calm down before Zayn tried again because if Zayn said anything else, he _would_ punch that stupidly pretty face of his and then he’d have to deal with Liam, and he did not want to deal with Liam today. So, instead of telling him where he could shove his concern, or launching himself over the desk like he wanted to, he pulled in another deep breath, counted to ten and blew it out as he turned away.

"I'll do better next time. Promise."

"You're running out of next times, Lou. I'm just trying to get you to see that before my boss makes me let you go."

He should probably care, but he really, really didn't. So what if they let him go? He'd just go work somewhere else. He didn't have kids and Harry could more than provide for himself. He could work anywhere else. Maybe it wouldn't be as soul-sucking as this place seemed lately.

When he didn’t acknowledge that Zayn had spoken, he left with a huff and a slam of his door. Rolling his eyes, Louis sat down and tried his best to work on the pitch in front of him because he was good at his job when he could be bothered. He read the page, then re-read it, trying to take it in but the words refused to stick, so when the words started to blur and his eyes started to burn, he gave up, resting his head against his desk.

Maybe he could squeeze a nap in instead and then he’d work on it. He’d still have time.   

His phone pinged just as his eyes started to feel heavy and he barely stopped himself from hurling it across the room. He knew who it was and what they wanted. It was Harry, "Just checking in" again like he was a psych ward patient who couldn't function on his own, and _god forbid_ him not answer. It wasn’t like he was at work, and busy. No, if he didn’t answer, Harry would panic and send Liam in to see if he wanted to go grab lunch because taking ten fucking minutes to be alone meant that he was making plans to end it all.

Annoyed, he sat up and pulled it out of his drawer to tell Harry he was fine. Before he could unlock it, he caught the notification and choked on a gasp, making his lungs burn as he tried to pull in air.

_Let Johannah know if  you can make it to_

His vision swam, tears clouding his vision as his stomach tried to claw its way up to his throat, and he couldn’t breathe because he was pretty sure his chest was on fire.  

He wanted to see what she’d been planning, but couldn’t. He couldn’t click it and see all the details for something she’d been excited for. Something else she wasn’t there for. God, he should have forced the girls to delete her accounts instead of letting them keep them up, like keeping them up was going to make her less dead somehow.

Clearing his throat, he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to force it back down as he took deep breaths. He couldn’t do this here. He had to finish the stupid pitch for the new Italian place opening. He had to go over the budget with Niall. He just needed to focus. If he did, he could leave early and be free from this hellhole for four days.

"Louis, hey man. I'm done for the morning, would you maybe want to grab lunch with me?"

Before he knew what he was doing, he felt his arm move and heard his phone crack against the wall opposite of Liam. He was going to regret it, but man, it felt good to just do something. His chest was heaving when he met Liam’s wide eyes and all his irritation from the morning just bubbled over. He should explain, he knew that, but he didn't want to. He just wanted to be left alone.

"Does it _look_ like I want to go grab lunch with you, Li? Tell Harry I'm fine and to leave me alone. I'm _busy_."

Without a word, Liam left his office and he felt like the biggest piece of shit for the hurt he saw in his eyes as he shut the door. It wasn’t Liam’s fault his day had been horrible, but he wished they’d all tell Harry he was fine and just leave him alone for once. Sighing, he sat back down and got to work because he needed to leave this place as soon as he could. He spent his lunch on the phone with Niall, making sure he had everything ready to go. By the time he was finished, it was just after four and he smiled, knowing he had time to make a pit stop before having to go home and deal with Harry's constant coddling for the weekend.

Shutting down his computer, he peeked out, hoping he could leave unnoticed. When he saw Zayn sitting on Liam's desk, back to him and blocking Liam's view, he bolted, rushing to the elevators and smiling as they shut without anyone noticing him. He took a deep, cleansing breath as the elevator doors closed, leaning back against the wall and letting it out as he watched the numbers until the doors were opening in the lobby and he hastily made his way out to the parking garage and climbed into his car, starting it and pulling out before he had the chance to rethink his plans for the evening. He just needed a break and knew the perfect place.

Delilah's had been their go-to bar since high school and sometimes it was the only place in the world where he could just be. No one cared if he had a bad day there. Not one person would ask him how he was doing with that pity reserved for people who'd just lost someone. He could drink and dance with people who just wanted to have fun and he fed off that energy, tried to let it seep in so he'd have something to hold on to when he'd head home to deal with Harry being mad at him.   

He parked, exiting his car quickly, smiling at Ed as he entered without any hassle and found Oli waiting for him by the bar. He smiled as he joined him and was pleasantly buzzed by the time Stan got there and dragged him out onto the dance floor. They danced for a while until Louis realized he was alone in the crowd and he wasn’t drunk enough to deal with it.

Making his way back to the bar, he took the last stool and smiled as he ordered a shot, hoping it’d be enough to drown everything else out. People had been telling him that it would get easier with time for a while, that the hurt would fade eventually, and he didn't know what was so different about it for him, but it was not getting easier. He liked to think it was because she had honestly been his best friend. He could tell her anything without feeling like she'd judge him and not having that hurt.  

Sometimes he thought it would have been easier if it had been sudden. Maybe he wouldn't be as bitter if they hadn't all sat around watching her slowly get worse until she was calling them in one by one, voice cracking as she told them all how much they meant to her, how much she loved them, and making them promise to be okay. A promise he hadn’t been able to keep, because how was he supposed to be ok without her? Especially when it seemed like the smallest things reminded him of her. It was like she was sewn into every piece of his life, even places he hadn’t realized until she was gone. Like at home with Harry.  

She'd loved him so much and he'd spent so much time with her, he'd picked up little quirks she'd had. Those hurt the most. It was little things he couldn’t help, like faces he’d make or the way he’d say something, that would have him have in tears. It made it so much harder, so he avoided him more than he meant to.

Which made Harry worry more. He was always asking if he was ok, trying to make appointments for him to talk about it and the thing was, he didn't want to. He didn't want to make peace with it because it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that she was the one who went through all of that when she was so good. She was the nicest person he knew and the most loving. There wasn’t a day that went by that he didn’t wish he could have taken her place and the feeling never really left him.  

It seemed like it was only easier when he was busy. So, he got up early and went to the gym with Liam, because he swore it would help. He grabbed breakfast with Zayn before work to catch up. He took on a bigger workload and skipped most of his lunches to get it done. When the day was done, he'd go out with a few friends after work because with alcohol thrumming through his system, he could forget every bit of it, at least for a few hours.

Lights flashing caught his attention, making him sigh as he reached for his shot, somehow knowing that he'd need it.

"What are you drinking?"

Looking back, Louis smiled. He was cute and he really didn't see the harm in humoring him.

"Tequila."

The guy ordered a round of shots and Louis smiled as they were sat in front of them. The guy took one and looked to him expectantly, making Louis giggle as he reached out for one. They downed them quickly and he found out that the guy's name was Greg and that he'd been trying to build up the nerve to talk to Louis for a while now, apparently. Instead of listening to the little voice that sounded a lot like Liam's telling him this was a bad situation, he ignored it and accepted when the man held out his hand, asking him to dance.

He let himself get lost in the music, in the people around him who didn't judge him for not coping with things as well Harry did. All these people wanted was to have fun and Louis let himself soak in their energy, laughing and jumping around to songs until hands gripping his hips and pulling him back into a solid body startled him, but the heat of someone's touch had him feeling warm and hazy, so he stayed, grinding back into him as he held him close.  

The wet slide of lips against his neck startled him, his eyes popping open as he pulled away. Before he could turn though, his eyes caught familiar ones and he swallowed, panic pumping through him. Harry's friend, Nick, was staring him down from a few feet away and Louis knew without a doubt he was going to call him as Nick shook his head, stalking off. Licking his lips, he turned, ripping himself away from Greg.

"I'm sorry. I can't do this. I'm sorry."

Greg smirked, rolling his eyes and reaching out for him again. Batting his hands away, Louis adjusted his shirt.  

"Come on. Why not? We've been having a good time, haven't we?"

They had, but Louis wasn't a cheater. He may be a selfish bastard most of the time, but he would never do that to Harry and now, Nick was probably off telling Harry he was and he needed to stop it.

"I have to go home." Grabbing his wallet, he counted through the smaller bills and handed the man more than enough to cover his drinks. "I need to get home."

"Someone waiting?"

He seemed really unimpressed with Louis, and he shouldn't care, but he did. He didn't want people to think he was a bad person. He wasn't. He was just blowing off steam before going home and trying to convince Harry he was fine.

"I don-"

Nick moved in behind the guy, eyes on fire and there were only a few times in the last few years he thought Nick might hit him, but he looked close, and Louis really didn't want a scene.

"It's your anniversary, Lou. What the fuck are you doing here?"

Greg’s eyes widened as Nick's loud and honestly pissed voice echoed over the music and Louis’s brain screeched to a halt. He stared at Nick, knew he was gaping but he didn't care. It couldn’t be. Could it? Louis swallowed hard, heart sinking as Nick just kept staring. Jesus, Harry was going to be pissed.

"Your anniversary?" He closed his eyes, nodding. "Wow." His eyes snapped open as something sloshed all over his face and chest. He grimaced as the man glared at him. "I feel sorry for your husband."

His fist was flying before he could stop it, clashing against Greg's nose, and suddenly everyone was screaming and Louis was being picked up and hauled out of the club, Nick right behind him.

"Honestly, Louis. Why can't you see how selfish you are?"

He tried to turn as the cold air of the evening hit him, but the guard's hold was tighter than he expected it to be. He was going to have a bad enough night, he didn't need Nick fucking Grimshaw adding to it, following him out of the fucking bar.

"It's been almost a decade, Nick. When are you going to stop being this far up my ass?"

"When you treat him right, you prick."

"Fuck off. I do."

"Really? Look around, Louis. He's at home crying because you care more about yourself than him and you are literally being thrown out of a bar. How are you treating him right?" He managed to loosen the guy's grip enough to turn but the fight left him when he met Nick's eyes. They were red and a little wet. "He loves you so much. Why isn't that enough?"

Ed sat him on his feet and re-entered the bar as Nick stalked off, leaving Louis standing there alone, feeling like the world's biggest fuck up.

***

Harry sighed, pulling a pan from the oven as his phone rang. He knew who it was, he knew what he was going to say. He also knew he should have expected it, but he'd stupidly thought that one night could be ok. That he was worth one night.

"Hey, Nick."

He heard the music and could almost see the swirls of smoke in the flashing lights. He knew exactly what Nick was going to tell him.

"It's me. Louis's here. Just wanted to let you know. I can come over if you want?"

How was it his friend was more concerned than his fiance? He normally would let him but he didn't want the pity he knew would come with Nick, not today.

"Um, the guy was making moves. I'm not sure if he's going to, um. Yeah. I just thought you should know."

His heart sank into his stomach as his throat tightened.

"He's with someone there?"

"Yeah. Fuck." He heard a rustle and Nick's loud voice cutting over the music. "It's your anniversary, Lou. Why the fuck are you here?"

He wanted to hang up, he knew he should, but he wanted to hear his excuse. To know what had been so much more important.

"Your anniversary. Wow. I feel sorry for your husband."

Chaos broke out over the line, screams and loud thumps until the music cut and Louis's voice rang out, screaming at Nick. Harry hung up. He didn't really care what happened. If a total stranger could see how messed up it all was, why couldn't Louis?

If you had told Harry eight years ago that he'd end up being sat at home on an anniversary his partner missed, he'd have laughed in your face. He'd have never thought they'd end up in a place where Louis was so self-absorbed he'd forget. Self-absorbed wasn't the right word, not really.

He was just… numb.

Everything about who Louis was as a person faded the day they lost Jay. It felt like a part of Louis was buried that day along with her and he didn't know how to reach out and put the life back into him. He had tried everything and he was tired of trying to reach someone who obviously didn't want to be reached.

Sighing, he walked back to the counter and grabbed the pans, dumping it all in the trash before heading to bed, half hoping he'd wake up and it all would just be a nightmare.

He was still awake hours later as the bed dipped behind him and he bit his lip to keep in his questions. He’d already been through them over and over and honestly, nothing Louis could say would make it up to him. He’d promised he wouldn’t put Harry through this again. He promised he wouldn’t stay out late, promised he’d make more time, promised to be there, and yet here he was sneaking in, smelling like a minibar, and Harry hated himself because he was relieved. He was relieved that Louis was home, that he snuggled up against his back, and wrapped an arm around his waist because at least he could close his eyes and pretend they were going to be okay for now.

He'd honestly thought that if he gave him enough time, that he'd open up and talk about it, about her, and maybe try to move on but it'd been months and he kept going like nothing was wrong, pretending he had it together, and Harry couldn't take it anymore. He was just... tired of waiting for things to go back to normal. Waiting for Louis to be Louis again when it was obviously not going to happen. His Louis wasn't here anymore. It was like living with a clone. A not quite right version of the person he wanted most and it was heartbreaking.

“You up, H?”

He cleared his throat and turned, facing him and his heart broke a little more. He was disheveled in a way that could only have been from dancing. He closed his eyes against new tears as images of Louis gripping and grinding on faceless men flashed behind his eyes, tearing at his heart, making his aching chest feel hollow. Clearing his throat, he forced what he hoped was a convincing smile. He figured he managed, or Louis didn’t really care, because he smiled at him warmly, pulling him closer.

Placing his hand on his cheek, Harry rubbed his thumb over his stubble, his heart tightening in his chest.  

“Just woke up.”

Louis winced, rubbing his palm up Harry’s back and it made his chest loosen slightly, the touch calming his nerves.  

“Sorry. For not.” He cleared his throat as his eyes watered a little. “For not being here. I’m sorry.”

Harry just nodded, letting Louis place a soft kiss to his lips, swallowing past the lump in his throat.

“S’ okay.”

Pulling back, Louis stared down at him and he couldn’t let him see. He didn’t want him to try and talk him out of his decision, he didn’t want more empty promises, he just wanted to pretend, for a little while at least, that things were ok.

“Harry? Wha-”

He pressed his lips to his quickly, cutting off his question, he was fine. He could be fine. Louis tried to pull back so Harry just followed, quickly settling over Louis and kissing his way to his neck.

“I’m fine. Just missed you.”

He bit down slightly, smiling as Louis bucked up.

“I know you’re not, but if you want to lie…” He trailed off into a groan as Harry moved his hand down and squeezed his bum tightly.

“Shut up, Lou.”

For once he listened and Harry sighed gratefully, kissing him slow and sweet, pressing closer until there wasn't a part of their bodies not touching. Heat settled around him, sending little pulses down his spine as sweat gathered on his back, the room getting hotter by the second. Everything went soft and hazy as his world narrowed to just Louis. To the feel of his gentle hands in hair, clinging to him like a lifeline as he deepened their kiss. To the heat of Louis’s body pressed into his own. To the smell of being home.

It had been so long since they'd been together like this and he hadn’t realized how much he'd missed it compared to the quick sex they'd been having, the kind that was almost over before it began, just scratching an itch. This wasn't just a quickie before work or bed, this was hot and slow and loving and he knew it was a horrible idea. They should be talking. Should be trying to figure out what the fuck was going on between them, but he was powerless to stop himself.

A fierce need to make Louis his again pumped through him, making him feel like he’d been wound too tight. He was desperate to show him how much he loved him. How much he needed him here with him. How much more he could give him than some random guy in a club could.

He could feel Louis’s hands shaking as they slid down his neck, slowly making their way to his hips and squeezing hard. It forced a moan from his throat, making him flush as he moved down, kissing and nipping at his neck.

"Missed this."

Smiling at the whisper, he kissed lower, letting his lips linger over Louis’s heart before pulling back, sweeping his fringe off his face.

“What do you want?”

He shrugged, lifting his hips and pulling his briefs down, wrestling them past his knees and Harry, making him laugh. He waited for his answer, watching as he laid back, lazily stroking himself, his toes curling slightly. Sweat glistened over the it is what it is tattoo on his chest in the low light pulling a whimper from him. Sometimes he swore he could come from just looking at him. He was that beautiful.

“Just want you.”

Nodding, he dug through their drawer and pulled out the half-empty bottle of lube. He sat it on the bed and removed his own briefs before settling between Louis’s legs, ignoring his questioning his stare as he picked the lube back up. Clicking it open, he drenched his fingers before dropping it and trailing his fingers up his thighs, over the swell of his ass, barely brushing his opening.  

“Please.” The plea went straight to his cock, making him groan as he finally gave in, sinking his finger in slowly, feeling himself throb at the heat surrounding it. “Hazza, please.”

Heat seeped into every nerve ending, making him dizzy with the need to be inside him as Louis whined, grinding down, making what little control he had slip. He bent forward, pressing a harsh kiss to his lips. He added a second finger as his emotions melded, lust, anger, and need twining together, making him feel like he was being pulled in too many directions, but in the best way possible. He pushed in hard, determined to undo Louis, to make him so needy he lost the perfect control he had over his emotions, to absolutely break him.

“Harry.”

He slowed his fingers, almost pulling them out before he added a third and Louis went pliant, letting out little sighs as Harry stretched him open. When Louis's sighs turned to whines and he started to rock back into his hand, Harry couldn’t take it anymore. He was hot, feeling desperate, and needed more.

Pushing in one last time, he rubbed over his prostate, moaning as Louis's hips bucked and his teeth bit into his shoulder.

“I’m good, baby. So good. Please, just fuck me.”

He used the excess lube on his hand to coat himself and smiled as Louis lifted his legs, holding his thighs. Leaning over him, he lined up, pushing inside. His jaw clenched as the familiar, sweet heat surrounded him until he bottomed out, Louis panting over his lips as he settled over him.

He held still, holding Louis's tightly to him as he waited for him to say he was ok. The last thing he wanted was to rush and he knew Louis would try. He was passed the point of being concerned for himself so Harry let him shift around, grinding down in little circles that did nothing but tease them both until he was huffing out an irritated sigh that made him smile as arms wrapped around him.  

“Move. God, H, please just… fucking move.”

Harry did, head swimming as he nipped at Louis’s neck, lifting him slightly before thrusting up into him. If Louis wanted it fast, he’d give it to him. He’d give him anything he wanted. As he pulled out and pushed back in harder, Louis wrapped his legs around him, clinging to him. He did it again and the soft, airy whine he let out shot down his spine, spreading fire through his veins as nails dug into his back, making his blood rush in his ears. Tingles spread through him as he held Louis closer, kissing and biting at his neck, fucking into him roughly.

“Hazza… Yes. Thank god... harder… please.”

He shifted, loving that Louis tightened his legs around him, and tilted his hips slightly before thrusting into him even harder, knowing from the breathless gasps he’d finally hit his prostate. He angled his hips so his thrusts nailed it, feeling Louis clench around him and whimpered as heat flooded his stomach. He fought against the need building as Louis dropped his hand between them, closing his eyes tight. He tried his best to ignore Louis practically sobbing as he clenched around him again, making the need in him almost too much to ignore.

"Lou... Lou. I'm close. Come on, baby."

Breath shallow and head swimming, the heat spread even more as Louis’s hips bucked, his body tensing around Harry as his legs tightened.

“Fuck, baby.”

He felt drunk as a hot wetness seeped between them, the heat in his stomach igniting, roaring through him as he finally gave in, coming so hard his vision whited out. Out of breath, his arms gave out and he sucked in a harsh breath, resting his head on Louis’s shoulder, too weak to move.

He sighed, burrowing into his neck, taking another deep breath, content to stay where he was for as long as he could.

“Harry.”

He lifted his head, smiling as their eyes met, feeling hazy and warm, wanting nothing more than to cuddle into Louis and just sleep. Maybe they could work it out in the morning when they’d both rested for once. He swallowed harshly as he held his gaze. He wasn't the loose, happy Louis he'd just had with him. He was the cold, calculated Louis again and it hurt to see.

“I need the bathroom.”

His heart fell into his stomach, lurching at his disinterested tone, pulling him from his sex-induced fantasy of actually being what Louis wanted and throwing him into his cold reality where he was basically his fuck buddy. Right. He’d gotten what he wanted out of this and now Harry was of no use.

“Ok.”

He pulled free, getting to his knees and helping Louis to his feet and watched as he carelessly walked to the restroom, no kiss, no glance back. He just shut the door and it felt all the life had been sucked out of the room. Harry might as well have been a stranger for all the emotion he had shown. Head spinning, he numbly got dressed and sat on their bed to wait it out.

Thirty minutes later, Louis stepped out in a towel, steam billowing out around him, and the irritation he’d felt before built back up as he watched him roll on deodorant.

“I think you should see someone, Louis.”

Jumping, he flicked the light on, groaning as he met Harry’s eyes. The ache in his chest raced back then. Had he hoped he’d gone to sleep so he didn’t have to see him?

“Nick called as you went after the guy."

His face twitched, his irritation flashing before he could mask it.  

“I’m sorry you had to hear it from him.” He rubbed the back of his neck as Harry watched him, wondering when he'd say anything about missing something he knew meant a lot to him. "I'm also sorry about missing...." He gestured around the room. "Today. I had a weird day and then broke my phone and I know I'm making excuses but I am sorry."

He figured he'd say as much but let it go as he followed Louis into the kitchen. He almost felt ashamed as Louis looked over the spotless kitchen and then into the trash, but he just nodded, making his way to the refrigerator, like he guessed he deserved that. Harry hated that he agreed.

"How'd you break your phone?"

***

Taking a deep breath, he released it. No way was he telling Harry it was because of a notification.

"I dropped it down the stairs at work. I'll get a new one tomorrow."

He huffed, grabbing the things for a sandwich from the fridge and setting them on the counter before turning to grab the bread. Harry shook his head, eyes glistening, but it wasn’t enough to ebb Louis’s irritation. He’d been feeling so fucking good, relaxed and sore in the best way, and now they were going to fight. He made his sandwich and filled a glass, turning back to him.

"I should have let you know, though. Sorry."

Harry nodded, staring down at the table, looking defeated as Louis sat across from him. He wanted to get on with it, assure Harry nothing was wrong but knew if he spoke first Harry would shut down. So, he waited, picking up his sandwich and ignoring how much he wanted to just go to bed.

“I… I need you to be here more.” He took a bite of his sandwich, raising his eyebrows, letting him know to continue. “I can’t keep holding this relationship together by myself. It hurts.”

He sighed, setting his sandwich down and taking a drink of water. Honestly, how could he even feel that way? He knew he loved him. He wouldn’t be here if he didn’t.

“You aren’t in this by yourself, Harry. We’ve been together for a few years now.”

Harry glared at him, clearly missing his teasing tone. God forbid he try to lighten the situation.

“Eight, actually. Happy Anniversary, by the way.”

He nodded, taking another bite, trying so hard not to snap because it wasn't Harry fault he'd fucked this whole day up. That he'd forgotten.

“Um. Yeah." Looking down, he swallowed hard. "Happy Anniversary." Harry looked sad and it hurt to know he'd done that. “I'll try to be here more. Ok?”

“Ok?”

He nodded, finishing off his sandwich and standing to rinse his plate and glass.

“Yeah. I hear you and I’ll try, Harry. Work is really busy though.”

He nodded, standing as Louis turned and leaned against the counter. His brows were furrowed, eyes blazing with irritation.  

“Oh, my god. Just tell the truth for once.” He sniffled, wiping under his eyes. “Work isn't busy right now, you'll just do anything to avoid me. I’m… I’m just. I’m done, Louis. I can’t do-”

Louis whirled around, stalking his way back to Harry, cutting him off before he could say anything else because fuck him.

“You’re done?”

“Yes.”

The silence stretched between them as they stared each other down. He noticed how twitchy Harry was. Twitchy in a way he only got when he was really upset. When he’d end up blotchy with hives and he should care, but he couldn't because, holy shit, he was serious. He honestly thought all those things about him.

He felt close to tears as he cleared his throat, beyond irritated with him for even being able to think those things, let alone believe them.

“Why? Because I didn’t call? I’m sorry, I broke my phone. I'm sorry I forgot. My day was busy, Harry.”

Panic started creeping in as Louis watched him pause by the door. He was seriously going to leave. Unbelievable. How did they go from having sex to splitting up?

“You’re always too busy. You never even try and it’s because you don’t want to. I’m here. I’m trying. I have time and I do so much more than you so I know you have the time, you just don’t want to spend it with me.”

He stalked out the door before Louis could say a word and what could he say when he was kind of right? Fuck. He rubbed his stinging eyes, flipping the lights off, and locking the door. He climbed into bed ignoring the churning in his stomach.

 

\-----------------------------

 

Louis wiped at his eyes, head hazy as he took a deep breath, letting the scent of Harry’s pillow fill his senses. He kept waiting for him to come home, trying to stay awake in case he did but he was giving up hope. He’d really fucked things up this time.

He had known Harry would be upset if he went out, but he’d wanted to just let loose. He’d just wanted to grab a drink and dance like an idiot with his friends. He wasn’t out trying to pull and cheating on Harry and it hurt that he thought he would. Him forgetting their anniversary, of all things, did not help at all. He looked like a heartless asshole, and maybe he was, but he hadn't meant to hurt him.

How had things gotten so bad without him noticing? When did they get to the point that Harry didn’t trust him anymore?

Burying his head under the pillow, he tried to make peace with the fact that this was one hundred percent his fault and he needed to fix it. He was halfway through the planning stages of how to try and make it up to Harry when a knock at the door made him groan. He sighed, pulling himself front the bed and heading for the front door. Harry wouldn't be fucking knocking so it had to be a neighbor or one of their friends. Closing his eyes, he sent up a prayer that it wouldn't be Niall, and made his way through the apartment. He took a big breath and let it out, pulling the door open to find Liam standing there, big puppy eyes shining, and he instantly felt himself start to crumble.

"You ok?"

He scrunched his face, trying to keep his tears at bay but it was no use. He hastily wiped under his eyes as one slipped out and barely stopped the glare he wanted to send him. What was it about people you love asking if you were ok? Why did it immediately make everything not ok? Making everything just flood out against your will?

"God, Li. You can't just ask me that. No, I'm not ok."

He watched him wipe at his eyes too before he pulled Louis against him and normally he’d fight him a little before giving in and letting Liam hold him, but he just couldn’t this time. Liam was warm and smelled nice and his hugs were the best next to Harry's. They made you feel every bit as loved as you were by the man. He burrowed in and the comfort he felt had everything he'd been able to hold inside come out in big ugly sobs. He tried to fight against the wave of tears spilling out but he couldn't get them under control and Liam only held him tighter, not helping at all.

"It's ok, Lou. You'll fix it. He'll be back."

He pulled in a big breath, tightening his grip on his shirt, hoping he wouldn’t leave after he was told the truth. That Louis broke him.

"No, he won't. I ruined it. I ruined everything. I went out and it was our anniversary, Liam. I forgot our anniversary." He felt himself be guided backward then heard the door slam shut before Liam was ushering him into his room, pulling him down into his side and holding him close again. "You should have seen his face last night. He fucking hates me, Li. He hates me."

Liam tilted his chin and when Louis looked at him, his eyes were wet too and his smile was sad.

"That's not true. If he hated you he'd have left a long time ago."

His laugh sounded so distorted, wet and choking, it startled him and made Liam giggle. The sound was familiar and he finally calmed down because of it. His exhaustion started to creep in and he sighed, curling into Liam's warmth, secretly hoping he’d stay. He got annoyed with the guys getting in his business a lot of the time, but he was grateful he'd shown up today.

"Thank you, Li. I feel a little less hysterical."

He hummed, pressing a kiss to his head as he handed over his phone.

"Good. Now, get it together and go get your man."

Even though he was terrified, he knew Liam was right. He had to fix things. He was only a little scared he was going to lose another favorite person. Pulling in one last deep breath, he sent a text asking Harry to meet him at the diner down the street from their apartment for lunch. He was prepared for the text to go unanswered, he expected to at least be left hanging for a while, but Harry agreed right away and he looked to Liam as an uncomfortable weight settled in his stomach. Nothing good could come from Harry agreeing to see him that fast. Liam’s eyes gave away that he agreed but he managed a small smile of support.

“Good luck.” Louis felt a little lightheaded and it must have shown because Liam hastily sat up and cupped his face. “Not that you need it. Harry loves you. He’s probably just excited to hear from you because, you know, he’s not good with things like this. He was probably feeling weird about calling after... everything.”

His words did the exact opposite of what they were meant to do, making him even more nervous but he knew he was trying so he nodded, hoping he looked calmer. Liam smiled at him, so he guessed he succeeded. Pressing a kiss to his cheek, he climbed out of the bed, leaving him to go get ready. He took his time as he stood in front of his closet. He needed to be put together, so Harry knew he was serious this time, knew that he'd do whatever it took to get him to come home. Taking his nicest jeans and a maroon jumper out of the closet, he headed to the bathroom, hurrying through his shower. After drying off and dressing, he took the time to fix his hair before grabbing his jacket and running out the door.

He was nervous in a way he hadn’t been since his mom called and wanted all of them to join her in the middle of the week, in the middle of the day almost a year ago. It made him feel a little unsteady and he felt sweat starting to bead on his forehead. He reached up to wipe it away, dread seeping into him. The unease he felt thrumming through him only grew when he entered the diner and spotted Harry sitting at the table by the back door.

His hair was oily, sticking up in every direction. He had bags under his red-rimmed eyes, and his skin was blotchy. Louis’s heart sank, knowing he was the reason for all of that. He was the reason Harry was staring down at the table, not meeting anyone’s eyes, and he had to swallow against a sudden lump.  

Taking a deep breath, he held it in, mentally preparing himself. Blowing it out, he forced himself to move, cautiously making his way over and taking the seat across from him.

“Hi.”

He ignored the way Harry flinched at his voice and immediately moved his hands into his lap. Harry just did manage a nod as a waitress approached them.

“Hi.”

Louis’s eyes flickered between him and the table in front of him as a waitress took their orders, both only ordering tea as the silence stretched on. The tension between them only growing. He knew one of them would eventually break it but he was scared if it was him, then Harry wouldn't be open to hearing him out. He waited but after another minute, he couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to say what he was thinking, get it out and make sure they were ok. He sat up, only to notice the waitress approaching.  

“Ok. Here we go.” She placed two steaming mugs down in front of them, looking between them with a worried smile. “Let me know if you need anything else.”

He nodded as he smiled at her, thanking her as she left.

Minutes went by without either of them saying a word and Louis wanted to scream at the silence. He could see Harry’s irritation building as the seconds ticked by and knew he couldn’t wait any longer. He opened his mouth to start apologizing and explain it all but Harry cut him off, eyes daring him to argue.

“Louis, I think maybe we should take a break. Figure out if we still want this.”

He knew his mouth was hanging open as he stared at Harry, but he couldn’t move. How could he think he didn’t want him? Seconds ticked by and as he forced steady breaths his mind started working again. He had to explain, maybe Harry would change his mind if he did.

“Haz, I think-”

Holding up his hand, Harry cut him off.

“ _I_ need time. I need to think and after everything you’ve done, you could at least let me have it.”

Well, fuck. How could he argue with that? He’d lied so much over the last few months. He knew he owed it to him to give him what he asked for, no matter how much it would kill him to do it.

He nodded, his body going numb. That. He could do that. If Harry needed it, he’d do it. There was so much he wanted to say. That as soon as he was ready, he’d be there. That he still loved him as much as he always had. That nothing had changed for him but he couldn’t say anything, let alone meet his eyes. He would break if he did and that wasn’t fair to Harry.

The silence stretched on uncomfortably again as Louis just sat there, trying to breathe through his heartbreaking. He didn’t move when Harry huffed, getting up to leave, he just kept his eyes on the table not able to watch him walk away.

Eight years of his life he'd spent making Harry his number one priority. He'd started work as soon as he graduated so Harry could build his business. He made time, took him on dates, and made sure he was just with him. He loved him with everything he had and he knew he messed up, would probably mess up again, but he wasn't letting Harry give up on him. He'd even go to therapy if that’s what it took for him to just stay.

Throwing enough money for their drinks down on the table, he bolted from the place, hoping he’d snapped out of it with enough time to catch Harry. He ran the whole way back to their apartment, ignoring people staring or yelling as he weaved through them, too busy praying he’d find Harry at home to care if he was being rude. He took the stairs to their apartment two at a time and flung the door open, wincing as it hit the wall.

“Harry?”

Everything was quiet as he tore down the hall, slamming open their bedroom. His hope faded as he took in the empty room. Harry wasn’t there and as he made it to their closet, a lot of his things were missing. Everything but years old sweaters were gone. Ripping an old white one off the hanger, he pressed it to his face, sniffling as his eyes filled.

Harry was done. He’d actually left him and he had no one but himself to blame. He finally felt the shock wearing off, falling to their bed as tears streamed down his face. A few minutes passed and his heart pounded in his chest as he heard footsteps but then the front door closed and he buried his face in the pillow. He tried to keep steady breaths as a new pain tore through his chest. Harry had been there, just hiding, and it broke him. He really didn’t want him anymore.

Bile rose and he fled out of bed to their bathroom, emptying what little had been in his stomach into the toilet. Head spinning, he rested it on the seat as his breathing quickened, his vision getting hazy as he struggled to breathe. His stomach churned again and he dry heaved, sobs leaving him between his stomach clenching painfully.

Eventually, he managed to control the sobs and stood, rinsing his mouth before making his way back to their bed and hid his face in Harry’s pillow, seeking some comfort. He felt the bed dip on either side of him a while later but was too numb to care that Liam and Zayn had abused their key holding privilege, and just let them wrap him in their arms.

***

_Oi, Lots. Watch what you’re doing. Don’t want to lose the ball again.”_

_Harry smiled as he turned the page of his book. He loved when he got to listen to the Tomlinson kids playing. Especially Louis. He was so good with them and it made his very inconvenient crush grow every time he overheard them._

_“Shit.”_

_Harry blinked as a soccer ball landed next to him on the ground._

_“Shit.”_

_He immediately swallowed, reaching out for it. He’d have to face Louis and he was not ready for it. He just knew the first words out of his mouth would be, “I think I’m in love with you.” and considering they’d never spoken, that’d definitely fuck things up._

_He stood as Louis’s smiling face appeared above the fence, making his heart race. He’d never seen his smile this close before and he was pretty sure it was the best thing he’d ever witnessed._

_“You care to, uh, throw that back over, man. I’m trying to teach the little ones some moves.” He shook his head, dumbly tossing it over the fence without breaking his gaze away from Louis, whose smile turned more confident as he raised his eyebrows teasingly. “Thanks.”_

_He just nodded as he watched him drop back down, absolutely sure then that he was in love with Louis Tomlinson._

Heart pounding, Harry set up quickly, trying to shake the dream. Pain shot through his head, making him groan as it throbbed. He took a few breaths before rolling up to his knees, hoping he wouldn’t puke on Niall as he did. Niall’s snoring cut off as he climbed over him, making him chuckle a little, but he regretted it immediately. Once he was on his feet, he debated his choices. A bath sounded nice, but so did downing some medicine and heading back to bed.

When was about to go grab a change of clothes, his phone chirped. He stood frozen as it beeped a few more times. It could be anyone, there was no need for his heart to start sprinting because it might be Louis. There was no need to get excited, especially when he was the one who had said he needed time.

That fact would be a lot easier to remember if his brain would stop with the dreams. Or flashbacks? Some kind of new masochistic, self-sabotaging, torture designed to make him question just how smart leaving was? He didn't know, all he knew was every time he fell asleep, his brain decided to bombard him with memories.

His phone chirped again and he reached out for it slowly, relieved and disappointed at Liam’s name being there.

_Li: Tell Niall thanks for letting us know to come over._

_Li: He thinks you hate him, btw. He said it before you two met up._

_Li: Sorry for blowing you up. Ignore that last bit, he’d hate for me to tell you that. I’m sorry this is happening. I’m not totally sure with what to say or do so just let me know if I say or do something wrong. Zayn too._

_Li: We love you._

He bit his lip as tears spilled over. Louis thought he hated him. Really? Sighing, he pulled up his name but stopped, closing it out. He wasn’t ready to talk with him yet but he couldn’t just let him think that. He hovered his thumb over his name again, nerves getting to him. Louis deserved to at least not think he hated him, right? Right.

“Haz. Don’t, man. Just come back to bed. He’s not going anywhere. He can wait.”

He hated it, but Niall was right. Dropping his phone to the nightstand, he climbed back in beside him. His heart hurting dulling the throbbing in his head as he tried to go back to sleep but he couldn’t. He wanted to know how Louis was doing. Was he okay? Was he still waking up and staring out of the window for hours before reluctantly coming back to bed? Would he still stare into his coffee in the morning instead of talking to anyone? Would he eat without having to be begged? He hoped he was doing better now that he was able to exist without having to pretend for him.  

It was pointless to try and sleep, he was too worked up. He blew out a breath, climbed back out of the bed, ignoring Niall’s complaining as he got dressed, and grabbed his camera bag, heading out to try and distract himself from it all. He made his way down the busy streets, aiming his camera at random things until he stopped in his tracks.

Liam and Louis, laughing and shoving each other caught his eye and he froze. It wasn't that he actually wanted Louis to be home and miserable, it’s just that he didn’t think he'd actually be happy without him. He followed them from a safe distance and stopped far enough away not to be seen when they entered the park, soccer ball in hand.

Even though it hurt, he smiled as they kicked the ball around, and took his camera out, zooming in and snapping several photos before feeling a little creepy. Still, he just wanted one more. He looked so carefree and it'd been so, so long since Harry had seen it. He just wanted to capture it. Just as he raised his camera, Louis looked over to him and his finger hit the button before he could stop it, even though he really wished it hadn't.

Turning, he quickly walked back toward Niall’s. He didn’t need the last picture, the haunted expression that had taken over Louis’s face would be burned into his memory for a long time.

“Harry!”

He paused at the end of the street, dread seeping into him as he realized he couldn't escape this without an explanation, an explanation he didn't really have. He just... missed him and liked it when he smiled. How could he say that without Louis wanting to talk about them and ultimately letting Harry know he was okay without him? He really didn't have a choice though, so he turned, reluctant eyes meeting Louis’s. He looked...hopeful and that crushed him even more.

“Hey, Lou.”

He smiled, reaching out to him before stopping short and rubbing the back of his neck.

“Hey. What are you doing here?”

He shrugged, not meeting his eyes.

“I was just out, trying to clear my head.”

“Oh.”

He smiled tightly.

“Yeah. I just… couldn’t help it. You looked happy.”

He heard Louis’s snort and forced himself to meet his eyes. He looked, resigned.

“Not really. I just thought…” He chuckled uncomfortably for a second. “I’m just gonna… go. Yeah, I’m… going.”

He frowned as Louis turned from him, wanting to reach out and wanting to run at the same time.

“Shit.” He wiped his face, knowing he was going to hate himself either way. “Do you want to…” He huffed, before blowing out a breath and letting his shoulders relax. “I haven’t had breakfast yet. Do you maybe want to grab it? With me, I mean.” He blushed, pushing his hair back. “Would you and Liam like to grab something to eat with me?”

There, he asked. It was up to Louis now. Louis pulled in a deep breath, smiling at him hesitantly.

“Yeah. Sure. Just, uh.” He looked back to where Liam was standing, looking nervous but friendly. He even waved a little as he met Harry's gaze. “Let me talk to him really quick.”

Something that felt an awful lot like hurt ran through Harry as Louis quickly walked back toward Liam and he watched them argue until Liam finally threw up his hands, following a triumphant looking Louis. It made him smile. Louis usually got what he wanted.

“Ok, Curly.” Harry’s eyes watered at the nickname. “Lead the way.”

Harry led them down to Jade’s, waving as she smiled happily at the three of them. After ordering they all sat at the table in silence until Harry couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t sit there and pretend everything was ok just because he selfishly wanted to see his friends. Picking up his phone, he quickly texted his assistant at work, asking her to wait five minutes and text him back, asking for help. He deleted his text, in case they didn’t believe him, and sipped his water as he waited.

He sent up a prayer of thanks when it finally pinged and pretended to distractedly read over the text before grimacing as he looked to the guys.

“I’m sorry, guys. I actually just got a text from Leigh about the studio. Seems she’s run into a problem. I’ve got to go help her out.”

Louis’s eyes told him he didn’t believe him, they’d also lost any trace of hope that had been there just a few minutes ago.

“Another time, then.”

He nodded, smiling in thanks at Liam.

“Yeah. Sure. Bye, guys.”

He walked away, ignoring the soft “See you, Haz.” he heard Louis murmur. He just wasn’t ready yet. It had, after all only been two weeks since he’d left in the middle of the night. He just needed time before he could face him. Needed to let his heart heal. It’d help if he could shake the feeling that he’d just made things a thousand times worse.

 

\-----------------------------

 

Two weeks had passed since the park incident and Louis was losing his mind. It’d been radio silence from Harry. Not that he should expect him to want to come back when he’d treated him the way he had. It wasn’t the first time he’d done it either. He’d always had a habit of pulling away when things got tough. Even in the beginning and now that he’d had time to think, he really regretted a lot of his actions in the past few months.

From day one, Harry had stepped in and made everything easy for him. He had made his mom’s life easier when she was starting to drown in work and kids. He took on so much and never asked for anything in return. It made it really easy to forget that he also had an extremely hard time talking about things that bothered him. It was something that they shared and he realized as the thought of his mom made his heart hurt, that he needed to man up and accept that he needed to sort his shit.

Sighing, he rolled over and scrubbed his hands through his hair before making himself get up. It wasn’t going to help to dwell on it more and he had to get ready. Unfortunately. Liam was forcing him to go out today and he knew it was going to be horrible, but apparently, there were only so many times you could brush the man off before he used pouting and guilt to get his way. Which was honestly not fair because he looked like a puppy. A golden retriever in human form. He was bubbly and cute and a pouting Liam would always get his way where Louis was concerned. It felt like kicking a puppy if he said no.

Making his way into the kitchen, he filled the kettle and turned it on. It beeped and he grabbed a mug from the cabinet, throwing in a tea bag before pouring water over. It. Killing time, he nosed through the stack of papers on the counter. He caught sight of doodles on a post-it and smiled at the Harry Tomlinson that was at the bottom. He loved that Harry had always wanted to take his name but his smile slipped away as he thumbed over the letters. He swallowed harshly, clearing his throat. Things were supposed to get easier over time, weren’t they? So why did it feel like he was closer to drowning every time he thought of him?

He supposed he should have known better. People said the same thing about his mom and he still had a hard time dealing with it. Making his tea, he blinked away tears as he sipped it, letting it warm him as he stepped out onto their balcony and lit a cigarette. Resting his elbows on the railing, he listened to the sounds of the city coming alive below him, letting it distract him. People shouting hellos and idle chatter blended into a dull hum as horns blared around him. It was enough to block out his thoughts as the nicotine calmed his nerves, letting him focus on mentally preparing to go out because he’d honestly rather do anything else, literally anything else.

He sat there for a bit, enjoying the peace before he heard a honk of a laugh that sounded so familiar he wanted to scream. He’d managed to push everything away and now it was all crashing back down because it had sounded just like Harry.

Annoyed at the scratchy feeling in his throat, he stood and went inside, throwing his cup in the sink as he made his way to the shower, setting it to the hottest temperature he could stand. He quickly undressed and stepped in, letting the water wash over him as he desperately tried to think of anything but Harry. Anything but the look in his eyes when Louis left him on his knees in bed, anything but the completely broken sound of his voice when he said he needed time. Time away from him because he’d hurt him. He wished with everything he could forget how much he had wanted to get away from him at Jade's. It hurt to know that he'd ruined things and after everything, he couldn't fix it this time because Harry didn't want to.

Closing his eyes, he leaned his head into the water, lips trembling as he tried to hold it together. Hands shaking, he reached out for the bottle Harry left behind. One of the only things he had left of his. Snapping it open, he swallowed, taking a deep breath. He knew he shouldn’t, that it was almost masochistic, but he couldn’t bear not feeling close to him somehow. Squeezing a small amount out, he worked it through his hair and sighed as the smell quickly filled the air. It wasn’t exactly the same but was close enough that he felt his eyes sting as the suds ran down his shoulders. Holding it in, he rinsed his hair before sinking to the bottom of the tub, finally allowing his tears to fall.

Cool water hit him after some time, shocking him enough to stop the tears and stand. Shivering and almost in a daze, he rinsed his hair again then scrubbed his skin clean, forcing himself to step out before he changed his mind about going altogether. Liam didn’t deserve a shit friend just because said friend’s life was falling apart. He could fake it for an hour or so. Hopefully.

Toweling off, he pointedly ignored the mirror as he walked by, still not able to face his reflection. To look at the man in the mirror and realize that was who he’d become, someone who pushed people so far away they thought he didn’t care, was something he wasn’t ready for. He didn't think he'd ever be able to face it honestly, and that was part of the problem.

Forcing all of it away, he pulled on a T-shirt and sweatpants, not really caring if he was dressed appropriately. Grabbing his beanie, he made it to the door just as someone knocked, making him smile. Swinging the door open, he smiled as big as he could manage.

“Payno, my man.”

Liam smiled, eyes crinkling as he took Louis in.

“Hey, Lou. Ready to go?”

He nodded, grabbing his hoodie from the coat rack and locking the door behind him, determined to fake it as best he could so everyone would leave him alone for a bit. They headed down the street, walking and catching up until his stomach was growling and he really couldn’t ignore it anymore. He saw the little arches and smiled, listening to Liam go on about the house he and Zayn had looked at until his goal was in sight.

“It was just beautiful, Lou. Really.” He frowned over at him before whining and trying to stop. “No, Lou.” Nodding, Louis smiled as he detoured, pulling a groaning Liam with him into McDonald's. “This shit is going to kill someone one day and you’ll still be in line, ready to die.”

He laughed as the girl behind the counter giggled, biting her lip.

“Welcome to McDonald's. What can I get you guys today?”

He smiled, pulling his beanie down a bit and leaning against the counter almost giggling as her eyes lit up.

“I’ll have a number one, water to drink, please.”

She smiled as he bit his lip, listening as Liam placed his order. Once paid for, by Liam, Louis slid his hand along the counter as they moved over to wait, smiling as the girl kept talking to them, clearly flirting. He let her, having a bit of fun as he flirted right back. She was babbling on about a show she’d love for them to come to when he heard a throat clear a little too close. He startled and turned around, blazing eyes fading to watery ones, his stomach dropping as he took in a worried Niall biting his thumb and a furious Harry.

Why were they even there? He was pretty sure Harry would rather walk into traffic than grab a burger from this place. Tears pooled and he wanted to crawl under a table and hide like it would actually make it all go away, and he definitely needed to go.

“I can’t.”

It was a broken whisper, not meant for anyone but Liam, but the whole restaurant seemed to be frozen as Liam tried to calm him down but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t face jealous Harry when he hadn’t done anything wrong. Especially when Harry wanted this break, not him. He wiped at his eyes as he shook his head to whatever Liam was saying, his heart was beating too loudly in his ears to hear him.

“I’m sorry. I can’t… I just.”

Looking down, he quickly walked out and practically ran back to his apartment, slamming the door shut behind him as anger started to replace the hurt. Why did Harry have to come in there? Why did the universe have to have such a sick sense of humor? Climbing into his bed, he closed his eyes, praying he’d fall asleep before Liam managed to get there.

He heard the door a few minutes later and groaned into his pillow. Why did he have to make friends with such caring people? He didn’t want to talk about it, he’d lose it again, and he was getting sick of fucking crying. Light flooded the room before his blanket was rudely ripped from his grip.  

“Up.”

“No.”

He sighed heavily as Louis refused to even open his eyes. He didn't have to do what Liam said. His head was hurting and so was his heart. He could lie in bed for the rest of his life if he wanted to. It's not like he had anyone to answer to. Not anymore.

“Fine. Food’s on the table if you get hungry later. Call me when you feel like it. I love you.”

He felt him press a kiss to his forehead, making his eyes water. Honestly, someone needed to teach Liam the things you shouldn't do when you're around someone who is falling apart. He held back the fresh wave of tears, finally braving a peek up at Liam as he covered him back up.

“Thanks. I love you too, Liam.”

His eyes were soft, a little sad too as he nodded, leaving the room. He waited, not breathing until he heard the lock click. Burying his face, he let a few more tears fall before he felt himself being pulled into sleep. He let his eyes slip closed, hoping the world wouldn’t throw Harry at him again unless it was to let him have him back.

***

Harry followed Niall back to his apartment, trying not to cry. He still felt horrible about upsetting Louis. So much so, that he’d basically ruined his and Niall’s day out with sulking around.

“I’m going to go shower, H. I’ll see you in a bit.”

He nodded as he left him at the front door. He couldn’t help but think of the look on Louis’s face as he wrapped himself in Niall’s comforter, wishing with everything in him that it’d smell like Louis. He just missed him a little. Missed how easy everything used to be. How Louis used to do anything just to see him smile. He blinked, wiping away a few tears as he sniffled. He’d give anything for that Louis to come back to him.

He felt the bed dip and turned, burying himself in Niall’s arms, hoping he wouldn’t ask questions. He thanked God he didn’t and when Harry woke sometime later it was to someone nudging him and he pushed the hand back out of his blanket, grumbling at their chuckle.

“Come on, H. Get up. We’ve got plans later and you have work. You gotta get up.”

He huffed loudly, climbed from his bed, and made his way to the shower. He stayed in longer than he should have and was pruned when he stepped out. Sue him. He was barely functioning these days.

The broken whisper Louis had let out at McDonald’s had been haunting him. He missed him, just wanted to go home and wrap himself around him and never let go again, but he couldn’t. He knew this was for the best, that he had been miserable. Never mind that he was even more miserable and lonely now because at least it was by choice now, not because someone couldn’t be bothered to be there.

Sighing, he tugged on his work clothes, a simple dress shirt, and black skinny jeans, and made his way down to Niall, kissing his cheek as he started his coffee.

“Sorry for being grumpy. Bad night.”

Niall hummed, smiling as he hugged him briefly.

“Sorry. Hope your day is better.”

He shrugged as he watched the coffee drip into his mug.

“Me too.”

He was grateful that Niall seemed to understand he wasn’t going to be worth anything and left with a quiet goodbye. He sighed when he was left alone and if he let a few tears fall, only he had to know. Pulling himself together, he sipped his coffee as he slowly gathered his work things. Once his mug was empty, he rinsed it and left the flat, locking the door as it shut behind him. He started down the street, blocking out the chaos around him.

He was halfway there when he spotted a familiar figure making his way inside Jade’s and even though he’d just had coffee, he followed him inside, hoping to just… he didn’t really know. Still, he got behind Louis in line, hoping he’d notice him. After a few minutes, he hadn’t and Harry grew restless, finally drawing his attention. He watched Louis swallow harshly as he stared into his eyes.

“Hey, Louis. How’s your morning going?”

Tears clouded Louis’s eyes before he swiped at them, clearing his throat.

“Fine. Harry.”

Frowning down at him, Harry nodded.

“Things at work okay?”

Louis scoffed before turning around.

“I’m not doing this, Harry.”

Irritated, Harry shifted on his feet. He knew Louis well enough to know to leave him alone but damn, it hurt. He watched Louis order his coffee, his voice shaking as he did and watched him wipe at his eyes as Jade got it for him and felt like he’d been kicked in the stomach as a wave of guilt hit him.

He’d done that. Again.

He must seem like a heartless bastard by now but he wasn’t meaning to. He just wanted to know if he was ok. If he was happier now or if he was as fucking miserable as Harry was. Louis left without a word and it hit Harry. He couldn’t just expect Louis to chat with him randomly. They had too much history, too much left unsaid between them. He quietly ordered a tea and made his way to work, his mood weighed down by the knowledge that he’d hurt Louis again.

It weighed on his mind the whole day and as he climbed the stairs to Niall’s apartment, he vowed to avoid doing it again. He’d have to accept that he couldn’t be friends with Louis, that it was all or nothing and he still didn’t know which he’d prefer. He made his way to Niall’s bed and couldn’t help but think of the look on Louis’s face as he wrapped himself in Niall’s comforter, letting himself be held.

“H.” He shook his head, reaching down to wrap his hand around Niall’s where it rested on his hip. He felt lips on his neck and whined as Niall rested his cheek on his shoulder, brushing his hair off his face. “Just hear me out.” He started to protest but Niall just spoke louder. “You and me. We’re going to go out like we planned and you’re going to drink and have fun with me and forget it all for a bit. I will forcibly remove you from this apartment if I have to.”

Sighing, he wiped at his eyes, trying to stop his tears.

“Why? I’m miserable so all you’re going to get is a sloppy, crying mess in public instead of your bed.”

Niall laughed in his ear, making him smile slightly.

“Well, it’s a start.”

He turned, looking at the beaming smile Niall was giving him and groaned in defeat.

“Fine.”

Niall cheered, bouncing on the bed as Harry stood and started changing.

“Ok. I’ll call Nick while you make yourself look pretty.”

Before he could say anything, Niall was practically sprinting from the room and Harry couldn't bring himself to dampen the guy's mood. He took his time dressing, needing the time to mentally prepare to be out. Once he was happy, he grabbed his phone, heading down the hall to find Niall, half hoping he'd change his mind and let Harry order pizza instead. Niall smiled like he knew exactly what Harry was hoping for, and he probably did. It was annoying and Niall laughed as he pulled him close, heading for the door.  

“You’re not going to regret this, man.”

He had a feeling he would.

***

Louis blinked his eyes open, grimacing at the sleep he could feel gathered around them. He frowned at the heat of someone surrounding him but cuddled closer, wanting the warmth. He knew it had to be either Liam or Zayn and as they shifted he caught the slight snore and he knew which one. He smiled to himself as the arms around him tightened.  

“Zaynie.”

He hummed, pressing his lips to Louis’s forehead, making him tear up. Deciding to let him sleep, he climbed free of the bed carefully and made his way into the kitchen and grabbed the kettle.

Filling it, he turned it on, grabbing his phone off the counter as he did, frowning at the notifications. There were a lot of them. They were from Niall and it made him nervous because he hadn't heard from him in so long. Warily clicking them, he pulled a mug down and added a tea bag. When it loaded, he breathed out a sigh of relief at it just being pictures. Apparently, Drunk Niall tagged him by mistake.

He smiled at the pictures of Harry, Nick, and Niall out and about. He giggled as Harry’s hair got progressively messier as he scrolled through more photos. Just as the next photo loaded the kettle beeped but he was frozen, his heart sinking as he took it in.

Harry, hair absolutely everywhere, in the arms of someone who was not Louis, kissing someone who was not Louis, and with more passion than he’d seen from Harry in a while. Well, except for right before… before… their break.

He felt the phone slip from his fingers as Zayn walked out, glaring at him. He couldn’t even appreciate the disgruntled, sleepy look he had as his stomach churned. That’s why Harry had been trying to talk to him. He was moving on.

He gagged, barely unlocking his muscles in time to make it to the sink. He threw up until he was dry heaving and Zayn was rubbing his back as his stomach finally quit trying to escape his body. He was too shaky to move so he just slid down the cabinets and barely registered Zayn following him, holding him tightly as he felt everything in him splinter. His throat felt tight as tears streamed down his face.

“He. He’s with someone.”

He felt himself be rocked as sobs were torn from his chest. He cried until his eyes felt heavy and the last thing he heard was Zayn talking quietly to someone. It felt like hours later, he cracked his eyes open and immediately teared up as Zayn’s arms tightened around him.

“Shh. You’re ok.”

He shook his head, not bothering to wipe the tears he felt falling faster.

“I’m not actually. I don’t think I will be for a while, if ever.”

Zayn made a whimpering sound and it made more tears flood as he shook in his best friend’s arms.

“Babes. I promise you," He cried a little harder as a kiss was pressed to his forehead, Zayn pulling him between his legs, wrapping himself completely around him like he was physically trying to hold him together. "You’re going to be ok. One day you’re going to be ok.”

He let it go. He wasn’t going to listen no matter how much Louis knew he would never be ok as long as Harry wasn’t his.

***

Harry groaned as his phone rang, reaching out to grab it as someone behind him grumbled and turned over to wrap their arms around him. He looked down, slightly panicking as he took in the tattoos he didn’t recognize. Clearing his throat, he slid his finger along the screen to answer it and brought it to his ear without looking.

“Lo’?”

“I can tell you’ve just woken up, so I'm sorry, but I’m going to need you to do me a massive fucking favor.”

He frowned at the venom in Zayn’s voice.

“Ok.”

“Walk down the hall, wake up Niall, and make him take down that fucking picture. Now.” Startled at the shout, he stuttered out an ok as Zayn’s icy cold voice filled the line again. “Maybe give us a heads up next time you two want to be fucking stupid again. Louis didn’t deserve to find out about it like this, no matter how much of an asshole he was to you.”

The line went dead as the man behind him stretched out, pressing a kiss to his shoulder. Bits of last night flooded back, but as hard as he tried, he couldn't remember more than a few fragmented things. Ordering shot, dancing, going to the restroom and realizing how small the stalls were. No memory of the guy behind him though, and his stomach turned slightly as he looked back, trying to hide his panic as he met the guy’s curious eyes.

“Um. I’ll be right back. I, uh, I have to go take care of something really quick.”

He scrambled from the bed, trying not to look as frantic as he felt as he pulled on his briefs and made his way into Niall’s room. He was snoring, mouth wide open, so Harry grabbed his phone and quickly found what Zayn was talking about. His stomach lurched as he shoved Niall’s shoulder.

“You asshole.” He groaned as he rolled away from him but Harry shoved him again. “Why the fuck would you post that?”

He started to tear up as he noticed he'd tagged Louis. God. No wonder Zayn was so pissed. He hit Niall again and he sat up, staring him down with barely contained rage.

“Post what?”

He turned the phone, practically shoving it in his face.

“Delete it, you prick.”

Niall’s face paled as he took in what he’d done and he gently took the phone and deleted all the photos.

“I’m so sorry. I don’t remember-”

He held his hand up, cutting him off as he felt the first tears fall.

“Louis saw them.” He wiped at his face, his heart literally breaking because he knew if Louis had done something like that, he'd be devastated. “Zayn called and his voice did that scary thing where you feel like he could snap his fingers and kill your whole family. I hate that voice. I’ve only ever heard it once.” He swallowed as his voice caught. “Which can only mean that it was bad.”

Niall hung his head, nodding as Harry backed out of the room and went back to his, finding the guy still waiting. His eyes were soft as he held back the blanket. Not really having a choice, he climbed into bed and frowned as he was wrapped in strong arms.

“You mentioned an ex last night. I’m assuming this all has something to do with it and I know you might not remember so it might make you feel better to know that all we did was kiss. Twice. You were really drunk and I had to bribe you with cuddles to get you to leave last night and didn’t want to leave and have you thinking the wrong thing. I’m Brad, by the way. In case you didn’t remember.”

He nodded, feeling extremely awkward but so happy this guy was the one he’d ended up with. Even when blackout drunk he still picked nice guys.

“Thanks. For not… for getting me home ok.”

He felt the guy chuckle and smiled a little.

“You’re welcome, I guess.” They were quiet for a while and Harry tried to ignore how comforting those arms were to him. “Would you maybe.” He smiled as the guy paused, pulling in a deep breath like he was preparing to be rejected. “Would you maybe want to go grab breakfast? With me?”

He bit his lip against a smile as warmth filled him. It was the least he could do to thank him.

“I’d love to.”

They took turns showering and Brad borrowed some clothes and Harry avoided a pouting Niall in the kitchen as they left and headed to the diner. Conversation flowed easily and he actually found himself smiling and laughing more than he had in a very long time as they both shared things about their family and friends. It felt good. Brad insisted on paying, making Harry roll his eyes as they left, walking down the street.

As Brad reached for his hand, something along the lines of fondness for the guy started thrumming through him. It was such a foreign feeling to him now. He hadn’t felt anything close to it for anyone but Louis since he was a teenager. His face fell as the thought hit him, reminding him of blue eyes filled with tears as the love of his life fled a fast food restaurant to avoid him.

“You ok?”

He looked over, managing a small smile.

“Yeah.” He squeezed his hand. "Still feels weird."

Brad smiled widely, making Harry’s own grow.

“I like that you’re honest.”

He smiled, trying not to let sadness tinge it. He was only being honest because he knew how much lying could ruin things.

***

Louis slid his shoes on, grumbling as he managed to pull his hoodie over his head. Of course, he’d run out of cigarettes after everyone left. He grabbed his beanie and made his way down the stairs and out into the chilly afternoon.

He turned to enter the little shop but caught sight of a familiar figure. He’d be able to spot him in a crowd of thousands though, so it was no surprise he immediately recognized him when they were the only ones on the street. His head was tipped back as he laughed with the same man from the picture from this morning and their fingers were threaded as they made their way down the street.

His step faltered and his heart lurched to a stop. Tears filled his eyes and he hurriedly ran into the little store. He wasn’t going to cry. He absolutely wasn’t.

“A pack of Marlboro blacks, please. Make that two.”

The girl’s eyes lingered on his before she cleared her throat and grabbed two, forgoing any ID check and taking his money. After being handed his change he left, headed back down the street as he tore the packaging off a pack and immediately brought one to his lips and lit it. He was usually more considerate of other people but it felt like his skin was trying to peel itself off his body every time Harry laughing with another man flashed through his mind. Considering it was on repeat, he was ready to do anything to make the feeling go away.

As he walked faster, he realized his mistake too late as he approached the happy couple leaving Jade’s. Harry’s features were lit with happiness as their eyes met and Louis swallowed harshly as his smile immediately fell. He dropped his cigarette and bolted before either of them could say anything, practically running back to his apartment.

He slammed his door, slinging his beanie across the room as he entered the living room. His mug was the first thing in sight and he stalked over, grabbed it, and launched it at the wall that held all their photos. The sound of glass shattering as a few fell made him feel just a little better. He stared at the mess for a long time before he looked down at the table again. Tears filled his eyes as he grabbed it, flipping it on its side, and sending all the dishes gathered there crashing to the floor.

He blew out a few harsh breaths as anger tinged every nerve in his body. He couldn’t take it. Harry was absolutely everywhere he looked and he was going to explode if he didn’t do something to change it. He was going to torch the place if he didn’t calm down.

He left again, not bothering to lock the door because fuck it. He hoped someone took everything, at least then he wouldn’t have to face the fact that his home wasn’t home anymore. It never was, the person who left had made it home and the reminder of that every time he opened his eyes was going to kill him.

He took a left as he walked outside, hoping to avoid the happy couple and just started walking, no destination in mind. It wasn't fair. He knew, without a doubt, that he was one hundred percent the one to blame for things going bad between them, but you would think that after eight years, he was worth at least a text for a heads up.

He passed a mom and a little girl and his chest tightened painfully, making breathing hard. God, how he wished he could call his mom. She always knew what to say or do and he just wanted to be held the way only a mom could hold you.

He just wanted his life back. He wanted to go back and never take a minute of the time he had with her for granted.

Clearing his throat, he ducked down a little alleyway and wiped at his eyes. Great. He was going to cry in public for the second time that day if he didn't get it together. He was passing the Indian place by Liam and Zayn's apartment when he was startled out of his thoughts by someone calling his name.  

“Yeah?”

He cleared his throat, knowing things were probably not going to end well.

"You ok?"

He laughed humorlessly, wiping at his eyes.

"Yeah. I'm perfect."

Nick shook his head, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jacket.

"You were asking for it, really."

Normally, he would've lashed out, cussing and causing a scene, but he just, deflated. He was tired and wanted something he could never have again and he didn't need Nick guilt-tripping him. He more than knew he was to blame. Fighting with Harry's best friend wasn't going to change the fact that he had royally fucked up. He pulled his hood up, nodding before he turned and walked.

"See you around, Nick."

"Lou. Wait."

He heard Nick calling after him, but he didn't really care. He walked around until his fingers were slightly numb and he was onto his second pack of cigarettes. He didn't want to go home and he didn't want to bother Zayn and Liam, they were giving up enough of their time for him lately.

Sighing, he walked down the sidewalk headed back toward his apartment. He stalled in front of an older building and sighed as he walked up and rang the top buzzer against his better judgment.

"Hello?"

Sighing, he leaned against the wall.

"It's Louis. Can I come up?"

Silence met him and he felt stupid for even trying, he just. He couldn't go to Niall's, so really, he had nowhere else to go right now but home and he didn’t want to. The door opened, and a sleepy Nick greeted him, motioning for him to enter, so he did, following him up to his door. He opened it, smiling tightly at him.

"Want anything to drink?" He shrugged, standing awkwardly in the doorway. "Sit down. I'll be right back."

Louis did, flexing his fingers, trying to get the tingling to stop. He smiled tightly as Nick set a bottle of water in front of him.

“Sorry. I didn’t think to warn you about last night. I wasn’t expecting it, to be honest, and I let myself get a bit too drunk.”

He yawned and Louis mentally kicked himself for not thinking about him being tired after a night out and then working.

“It’s ok. I’m sorry for waking you.”

He shrugged, spinning his cup around on the table.

“Can I ask you something?”

He nodded, smiling slightly.  

“Did you…” He trailed off, obviously trying to figure out how to word his thoughts. “Have you ever cheated on him?”

He flinched, shaking his head.

“No.”

Nick eyed him for a long time and he sighed as he took a sip of his water. He could tell Nick didn’t believe him and that hurt. While they were never “besties” like he and Harry, he’d never been bitter toward him. Even knowing he wanted to be with Harry.

“I just wanted to be me. I felt like everyone placed all these expectations on my shoulders the second Harry’s business finally took off, like that was my finish line for wanting to take things forward and then my mom...." He trailed off, still unable to say it after all these months. "It all fell apart but I never meant to hurt him and I never cheated. I danced with guys but that was it. I actually got a lot of shit for turning guys down.”

“He’s just. He’s all I’ve ever wanted and I think.” He felt his brows furrow as he teared up and scrunched his nose to try and hold them back. “I think I just thought he’d still be there when I got my shit together, you know? That he’d still be at home, and I’d just explain when I could and he’d be there.”

Nick smiled, nodding slightly as Louis felt his chest tighten again.

“I don’t understand, but I believe you.”

Sniffling, he wiped under his eyes as he felt a few tears fall.

“Sorry.”

He shook his head, smiling a little more genuinely.

“Don’t apologize. It’s fine. Remember, I know what it feels like to watch him love someone else while your heart’s breaking. I mean, I’m over it now but back then, I fucking hated you. I just couldn’t tell him that.”

He laughed, glad to hear him finally admit it.

“Knew I wasn’t that fucking jealous.”

Nick laughed loudly, tilting his head to the side, studying him.

“How about a nap? I feel like you could use one and I know I’m still fucking exhausted. I’ll treat you to dinner later?”

He could say no, but then he’d be going back to his empty apartment and trying not to remember the love that had filled it.

“Yeah. Ok. I’d like to not be alone at the moment and Zayn and Liam deserve a night off from babysitting.”

Nick sighed, standing up and stretching.

“Come on. Bed’s this way.”

Suddenly nervous, Louis hesitated as Nick stood there, smirking down at him.

“I promise, I’m not trying anything.”

Oh, yeah. That definitely made him feel better. He ignored it though and stood to follow him through the apartment. They settled into the bed and within seconds, he was asleep.

Louis woke to a gentle shake and grumbled as he burrowed into the warmth of the body next to him.

“Sorry to wake you, Lou, but your phone is going crazy.”

Grumbling, he snatched his jeans from the floor and groaned as Liam’s increasingly frantic texts flooded the screen.

“Sorry. Li’s trying to find me.”

“I don’t mind if you tell him you’re with me.”

He nodded but decided not to. He just wanted to hide away for a little longer.  

“I’m not going to, only because he may come and get me and  I don’t really want to deal with it right now.”

Nick snorted as Louis started his new text.

_I’m fine, Li. Had to get out. Ran into the happy couple and may have broken a few things. I’ll clean it up tomorrow. Thanks for worrying though. Text you when I’m home._

He turned it off and burrowed back into Nick’s heat, letting him wrap his arms around him.

“You’re a cuddly one. Would have never guessed.”

“Everyone always says that, but yeah. I like a good cuddle.”

Giggling, Nick held him tighter and Louis let him. It felt good to be in arms that weren’t worried over him flinging himself off a building or crumbling to the floor.

“Well, I can tolerate a few cuddles every now and then.” He laughed to himself, trying to ignore how guilty he felt right now. “Oh, geez. That was a fake one. What’s wrong? Are you uncomfortable?”

Louis turned to face him, raising his brows. He blushed, gesturing between them.

“The cuddling? Because we can go out and eat. We could play a game. We could watch something. I just. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable but I also don’t think you should be alone.”

Something warm started to bloom in his chest and without thinking, he leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek.

“I’m good but thanks.”

Content to stay right where he was, he cuddled back into his side.

***

Harry sighed as he wrapped the blanket tighter around himself. He hadn’t been able to force himself up since he’d gotten back with Brad. Who was still here, just making him something to eat even though he’d said he wasn’t hungry. His stomach turned every time Louis’s devastated face flashed through his mind.

His phone beeped with a text alert and he sighed as he snatched it off the bedside table. He frowned at Liam’s name.

_Li: Have you_ _seen Louis? The apartment is a little messy and he’s not answering me._

He wanted to scream. Had he seen Louis? Was the universe trying to make him seem like an asshole today?

_Saw him earlier when we were leaving Jade’s. He left as soon as he saw us. Sorry. Don’t know where he is. Let me know he’s ok?_

He got a thumbs up back and sighed, sitting back just as Niall brought in a steaming bowl on a tray, smiling brightly.

“Hey. I’m sorry if I overstepped but you looked down and Brad was a little too happy for my nerves. I kind of told him to get lost.”

He shrugged, folding back half of the blanket so he could join him.

“I have his number. He has mine. He’ll text if he wants.”

Niall hummed in agreement and waited for him to lean against the headboard before settling the tray over his lap.

“I’m sorry about the pictures. I don’t remember doing it.”

He nodded, taking a spoonful of the soup before clearing his throat as his stomach turned. He so wasn’t hungry and hoped it wouldn’t offend Niall as he set the tray on the floor.

“I know. I’m sorry I shoved you. I saw him today. At Jade’s. He looked... rough.”

Niall took a deep breath and settled in beside him as he laid down.

“I’ll try and talk with him. If you want?”

He nodded, hoping his eyes held as much thanks as he felt.

“Thank you.”

Waving him off, he snatched his remote and flipped it to a cooking show.

“Can I ask you something?” He hesitantly nodded, not liking how unsure Niall had sounded. “Do you like Brad?”

He froze as the question registered. Did he? He was sweet and had a great sense of humor. Was really good looking and didn’t push him for anything in the time they’d spent together.

“I think I could.”

Niall snapped his eyes to him and stared him down for a long time.

“Then, please. Give it a try. He’s really nice. I have a good feeling about him.”

Not wanting to say no, he shrugged, giving him a relaxed smile.

“I’ll think about it. If you promise not to fight with Lou.”

“Deal. Now, watch a movie with me.”

Laughing, he let Niall start something. He didn’t really watch it and sighed, head pillowed on Niall’s chest as the credits played.

“Do you honestly think I should give Brad a chance?”

He nodded, eyes looking horribly sad.

“I mean, I get why you might not be ready right this second, but I do think you should at least try to see if you can move on.”

Harry nodded, rolling over and grabbing his phone.

_Would you maybe… want to grab dinner? With me?_

He smiled at the text, remembering Brad’s hesitation that morning.

_Brad: Absolutely. Pick you up in an hour?_

_Sure._

Niall laughed as he scrambled out of bed and into the shower. He quickly washed his lazy day away and stepped out, wrapping a towel around his waist as Niall poked his head in and handed him a stack of clothes.

“Don’t question. Just wear this.”

He shrugged, not terribly concerned with looks tonight. Brad had already seen some less than stellar ones so far. Surprisingly, Niall had picked a nice outfit. Black jeans and a dark pink button-up with a little white flower pattern. He smoothed the shirt down before stepping into black boots. Happy with it, he started to dry his hair and just as he finished, Niall opened the door excitedly. He tried to siphon it in because the more he thought of this, the more he didn’t want to go.

“He’s here. You look so fucking good. I can’t wait to hear how amazing it goes. Text me if you don’t come home.”

He agreed, sliding on his jacket and grabbing his key, wallet, and phone on his way to the door.

“Ok, dad. See you later.”

Niall gave him a little wave, practically shoving him out of the door. He stumbled into the hallway and glared back at the door as he heard the lock.

“Have fun.”

Huffing, he straightened out his shirt and made his way down the stairs. Brad was waiting with a small smile and outstretched arms and Harry let him pull him close, hugging him tightly.

"Hey. Didn't think I'd hear from you again, to be honest."

He didn't want to tell him that up until an hour ago, he'd have been right so he just smiled.

"Sorry. Today has been...a lot. Where are we headed?"

He just smiled knowingly and let him go. As they started down the street, he took his hand, making Harry swallow harshly. It felt too big and all wrong, but he let him keep it, hoping he wouldn't notice how much he didn't like it.

"I figured we'd go to this restaurant down the street and then maybe for a walk?"

He nodded, not totally hating the plan.

"Okay."

They stared at each other for a moment and Harry could do this. He could absolutely do this. They made polite conversation as they walked there, Harry finding out Brad was an only child, was a nurse, and volunteered on the weekends. Overall, a good guy and it made him smile.

***

Louis laughed, shoving Nick into a taxi and smiling at the driver before rattling off his address.

“I’ll see you soon. Go take a nap before you have to be at work.”

He smiled widely.

“Ok. Ok. Sorry. I’ll see you soon.”

He shut the door, smiling as he tapped the top. He waited, watching until it disappeared before he sighed and started walking in the opposite direction. He turned the corner and smiled at an older lady walking with her arms full of bags. Sighing to himself, he caught up to her. She was an older resident in their building and it was almost breaking his heart to see her trying to do it on her own.

“Mrs. Adams, wait up and I’ll give you a hand.”

She stopped and turned around beaming.

“Louis. Thank you so much. My arms are so tired.” He smiled tightly at her as she eyed him, handing the bags over. "Where’s Harry?”

He looked down, taking the last bag from her.

“He’s staying with a friend for now.”

Her eyes softened so much he wanted to cry.

“Oh. Well, I appreciate you helping. Next time, I'll just wait like my daughter asked me too.”

He chuckled with her, walking at her pace and listening to her ramble on about her grandkids that lived some ways away. Just as they passed the little mini-mart, they were cut off by a couple laughing and stumbling around the corner.

“Oh, shit. I’m so sorry. Sorry.”

He looked up at the sound of the voice and he didn’t know if it was that he’d just come to expect the world to fuck him over, or if he was just too fucking numb after everything, but all he could do was smile up at him. It probably wasn’t pretty, considering he could feel his chin wobbling as his eyes started to sting.

“That’s alright, Haz.”

Harry looked down at him in shock as he set the bags down and readjusted his collar for him. He’d always been terrible at making sure they were even. He smiled, thumbing at the shirt, remembering how excited he’d been to give it to Harry last valentine’s day.

“You look nice.” He turned his eyes to the clearly stunned man from this morning and the photos from last night and held out his hand. “Hi. Nice to meet you, I’m Louis.”

The guy fish mouthed for a few seconds before taking Louis’s hand and shaking it.

“Brad. Nice to meet you too.”

When he let go he faced Harry again and forced a bright smile.

“I’ve got to get going, but…” He cursed himself as his voice caught. “I hope you have a good rest of your night.” He held Harry’s eyes as his lip quivered and he thanked God he was able to swallow back the sob threatening to escape. “You look happy.” He twisted a curl between his fingers before tucking it behind his ear. “It looks good on you.”

He picked up the bags and wiggled his elbow at their neighbor. She smiled gently and took it, pulling him forward. They walked the rest of the way home in silence. He waited for her to unlock her door, smiling as she ushered him in and set her bags on the little table.

“Thank you for your help. I’m sorry about Harry.”

He shrugged, backing toward the door.

“My fault. Um. If you don’t mind, I think I’m going to head home.”

She nodded and he closed the door behind himself as he felt the first sob work its way out. He stumbled down the hall and took a deep breath before opening the door and stepping in. Immediately, he was hit with the smell of weed. He looked up and saw Zayn sitting in his boxers, joint between his fingers.

“Hey.”

He tried to wipe at his eyes without drawing his attention but failed. Luckily, Zayn wasn’t like Liam. Instead of questions, he got a watery smile and an invitation to join him. He did, wiping at his eyes as he tried to control them. Taking the joint, he took a deep pull and held it far longer than he had to. He released the smoke, trying to send the hurt crawling through him with it. It didn’t work so he just took a longer pull before handing it back over.

Blowing out the smoke, he leaned against Zayn’s shoulder, taking in the now clean apartment.

“Where’s Li?”

“Mapping out crime areas within your usual haunts.” Louis snorted, rolling his eyes as Zayn handed him back the joint. “He’s laying down. Where were you?”

He sighed, taking a couple more hits before snuffing it out and leaning fully into Zayn.

“With Nick. I ran into Harry and _Brad_ this morning and kind of just. I needed time away from here.” Zayn nodded, stroking his hair as he laid down and brought Louis onto his chest. “We took a nap then grabbed dinner. I saw the woman that lives down the hall and helped her home.” He pulled in a deep breath as tears fell onto Zayn’s shoulder. “And we ran into the happy couple again.” He paused to swallow around the lump in his throat. “Literally. I introduced myself to _Brad_ and fixed Harry’s shirt for him. He was wearing the pink one I bought him last year. He looked.” He choked on a sob and buried his face in Zayn’s shoulder, feeling him tremble as he tightened his hold on Louis. “He looked so happy.”

He felt Zayn’s hand rubbing circles into his back as he hiccupped, finally letting out everything he’d held in all day.

***

Harry was still standing there a while later. Still felt Louis’s nimble fingers fixing his shirt for him. Felt the brush of them on his ear. Still saw how hurt he was as he let him know he was happy for him and met the guy he had assumed Harry was involved with now with more grace than Harry could have ever shown and it was breaking him.

Brad was hovering just a few feet away, clearly trying to give him a little space. He’d known the name, could have guessed the disheveled mess from this morning had been Louis but the guy with bright eyes, dressed far nicer, and helping Mrs. Adams home had caught them both off guard.

“Harry. You, um. You can take as long as you want but do you maybe want to head home? I’m happy to walk you.”

He nodded, letting Brad lead him back to Niall’s. He barely registered Niall’s concerned face and Brad quietly telling him exactly what happened as he was ushered into his room here. Numbly sitting down on the bed, he cradled his head in his hands as they left him alone again. A few minutes passed and Niall came back with a few snacks and some water. He helped him change into sweats and sighed as he tucked Harry into bed.

“Was he awful to you?” He shook his head, feeling his throat tighten. “Then what’s wrong?” He shrugged, not knowing how to tell him when he couldn’t even pinpoint one thing. “Babe. Talk. Even if it’s through sobs. You’re scaring me.”

He blinked over at him and nodded, sitting up and clasping his hands together.

“He, um. He said I looked happy and it was a good look on me.”

Niall hummed, taking his hand.  

“What else?”

He sniffled, feeling the tears he wished would stop start to fall.

“Um. Nothing. Said I looked nice and fixed my collar for me. Introduced himself to Brad and then said that so.” He didn’t want to meet Niall’s eyes so he picked at the blanket, not bothering to wipe the steady stream of tears that were falling. “He just looked so crushed as he did it, is all. Like it was killing him to say it all but kept a smile in place for me.”

Niall climbed into bed with him, holding him tightly as he crumbled, wanting nothing more than to forget the acceptance that had colored Louis’s words. Words that made everything so final. That he’d let him go.

Sitting up, he grabbed Harry's hands, rubbing his thumb over the back of his hands and he knew it was a trick that everyone had learned from Louis, and he didn't have the heart to tell them it rarely worked for anyone but him.

"I'm sorry, Harry."

 

***

_“Please. Don't do this.”_

_He swallowed, sitting on his bed, meeting his sister's eyes._

_“Do what?”_

_She glared, stomping her way into his room and shoving him backward. He was half tempted to yell for his mom, but she'd worked a double and he needed to let her sleep._

_"Push him away. I see it. I'm not stupid, Lou. I know you're dating."_

_"You have no right to comment on any of my relationships, Lots. He is the one being difficult and pushing me away."_

_She scoffed, turning and marching right back out._

_"No, he's trying to protect you from all the shit he gets for being out. You're pulling away because you're pissed he's trying to help you. You always do this. You're going to lose him if you don't stop."_

Louis woke up in a panic, gasping and covered in sweat, trying so hard to take comfort in the fact that Zayn was still there, that he wasn't alone, but he really just wanted to be able to call for his mom’s help again and realizing he was never going to be able to again, all the time, tore at the hole in his heart, making it raw and irritated, like it wouldn’t ever be able to heal.

He sniffled in the silence and forced steady breaths for what felt like hours before he calmed down. When he did, Zayn was kissing his head, shifting them.

“You need to shower.”

He smiled at the hoarse whisper, silently relieved Zayn wrapped him in his arms again anyway.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

He felt Zayn shaking his head and teared up as his hand carded through his hair. He couldn't really feel it, just the weight of it, but it helped.  

“Don’t be. It’s fine.”

He knew he was being hit with kid gloves and it made tears well up again.

“I’m sorry. I just-”

The door banging open made them both jump

“Ok. Louis, Zayn. Get up. I made breakfast. I will forcibly feed you if I have to so, get up.”

His stomach immediately protested, churning at just the thought of food.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Give us a bit?”

He heard Liam’s huff and smiled as the door was closed far more gently than it was opened. It fell as soon as it formed though, as Zayn’s heat disappeared entirely. He made grabby hands at him as he sifted through his jeans.

“Where are you going?”

Hearing Zayn chuckle didn’t help his pouting.

“Nowhere, ya big baby.” He returned, joint in hand, smiling at him. “You need to eat and I need to not murder mother hen out there.”

Louis smiled tightly, not really in the mood, but took the offered joint anyway as Zayn held it out to him.

“Do you remember when we first met?”

He frowned at Zayn as he took a few hits and passed it back.

“Yes. I mean, you were the first person to speak to me when I moved to town.”

He shrugged, eyes lighting up as his smile turned flirty.

“You were cute.”

He laughed, taking the joint back.

“I hope there’s more of a point to this than reminding me of what I know. I was adorable back then.”

Zayn shoved him, making him smile.

“You still are, but do you remember the first thing you asked me?”

He cocked his head to the side, trying to think back to being twelve and meeting the second most beautiful boy he’d ever seen.

_Frowning, Louis looked on as the gorgeous kid fumbled with the soccer ball, tripping over his own feet as he tried to keep up with the game._

_“Hi.”_

_He looked over, smiling at the boy who looked too nervous for his own good._

_“Hey.” He paused, slinging his arm over the guy’s shoulders and stifling a giggle at his gasp. “Who’s the curly one?”_

_Staring at him curiously, he smiled._

_“Harry, um, Styles.”_

_He looked back out to the field, biting his lip as the boy ate dirt._

_“He’s amazing.”_

_Zayn laughed for a long time though Louis had no clue why._

He shook his head, clearing it.

“Who the curly one was.”

He nodded, finishing off the joint before putting it out.

“I remember feeling so confident that you’d want me and you couldn’t even take your eyes off Harry. Louis, a love like yours, like the kind Liam and I share, can withstand anything. Just give him time. He’ll come back. You’re too important.”

He chose to believe him, for now, and took his hand as he held it out.

“Ok.”

Zayn smiled as he stood, squeezing his hand tightly.

“Ok. Let’s go calm Li down.”

\-----------------------------

 

Harry stretched, blinking awake as Niall’s shower started. Stealing a glance at the clock, he bolted from bed, dressing as quickly as he could. He had a meeting with a family about photos and was late already.

Making sure he looked presentable, he pocketed his phone and grabbed his keys.

“I’m late. See you after.”

“Bye, H. Call me when you're done and we’ll grab a bite.”

He smiled at the shout from the shower.

“Ok.”

After locking the door back, he raced down the street to the coffee shop and smiled at the familiar face behind the counter.

“Hey, Jade.”

She smiled brightly as she started his coffee.

“Hi, Harry. Feeling better this morning?”

He nodded because he did not want to get into why he was absolutely not ok. The fewer people who knew until he was over it, the better.

“Then this, my friend, is on me. You should come out with me and the girls soon.”

Smiling at the thought of actually going out with friends, he nodded.

“Text me. I’ve gotta run, though.”

He dumped the money for the coffee into the tip jar and smiled at her protests as he walked toward the door.

“I was being a good friend. You just ruined the gesture.”

Giggling, he went to push the door open but froze as his eyes met Louis’s. God, he looked like hell. His hair was oily, and disheveled like he hadn’t washed it in a few days. He hadn’t shaved and yet his cheekbones were standing out more than usual. As he looked him over, he noticed his shirt was too big and looked suspiciously like the one Harry had been searching for.

His heart flipped at the thought of Louis wearing it because he missed him and he almost smiled but was glad he didn’t. Louis’s eyes were wide, like a deer in headlights, and he had huge, dark bags under them. He watched them fill with tears as he registered who was on the other side of the door and his heart screamed at him to say something. Anything.

***

Louis froze as he grabbed the handle to Jade’s, trying so hard not to curse out loud. Harry was there, standing just in front of him about to exit. The moment their eyes met Harry’s face dimmed significantly and he felt tears pooling in his eyes as he practically ran down the sidewalk. He could choke down the office coffee before he could face a Harry who was that happy without him.

Louis pushed through the doors at work and smiled tightly at their receptionist as he walked by, trying, and probably failing, to hide his distress. She produced a cup and smiled at him carefully.  

“I ran out and grabbed one. Thought maybe you’d like a pick me up.”

He took it, grateful she thought of him and that she wasn’t mentioning his appearance. He knew he looked like shit and seeing Harry smiling and looking better than he had in a while stung so much more than he thought possible.

The thought that he was better without Louis was breaking his heart all over again. Realizing he’d been standing there for a while, he smiled.

“Thanks.”

She smiled warmly as he walked away, heading up to his office. He knew that look, the pity, but at least she tried to hide it, unlike some people here. He managed to keep his mind off it until he collapsed in his chair, fighting tears as he thought back to how Harry had looked. His skin was tanner, eyes less tired.

He was truly happy without Louis.

The thought had his stomach churning. He got up and paced the room, trying to ignore it all until Liam came in to grab him for the meeting.

“You ok?”

He looked up, nodding as he shut it all off, letting a numbness in he didn’t know he possessed until Harry left. He probably looked like a psychopath, but it was better than falling apart in front of the entire company.

He smiled tightly, passing Liam without a word and entered the conference room, taking his seat by the head of the table. Zayn was already seated there and smiled at him warmly. Louis ignored it.

“Tommo.”

“Zaynie poo.”

He shook his head, smiling, but his concern showed through his eyes. Louis shrugged, hoping the ground would swallow him as Niall took the seat beside his. He couldn’t take concerned Zayn and cold Niall in the same room. His emotions were already on the verge of leaking out.

“Lou.”

“Ni. How are you?”

“Good, good. You look like shit, man.”

He felt his eyes widen as he shook his head, fighting another wave of tears. He knew he was being overly emotional so he shrugged, knowing he was on edge from the run in, that normally it wouldn’t have phased him.

“Feel like it.”

“No need to be a dick, Niall.” The all quieted down as Zayn cleared his throat loudly. His irritation was clear in his voice as everyone looked to him. “Let’s get started since everyone is here.”

***

Harry groaned as the elevator dinged and opened on Niall’s floor and Zayn’s voice echoed from the conference room. Jesus. Were they still in that meeting? He checked his watch, thinking he’d been mistaken on the time, but sighed as he saw it was, in fact, twelve. Poor Niall. He hated these meetings.

“Have a good rest of your day.”

He watched everyone file out, holding his breath as Louis walked out, eyes guarded and glistening as he met Harry’s. He waved to him like he always did but when he didn’t say a word, Louis’s face fell as he shook his head, looking down as he walked away. He looked so… haunted. His face was paler than he’d ever seen it and hurt him to see him that way.

Before he could sort his head, Zayn walked out, shouldering passed him.  

“You couldn’t have waited outside?”

He frowned at the venom in his voice as he just kept walking. Niall was the last to walk out and he smiled brightly at Harry as he walked up and hugged him.

“Let’s go grab that lunch, yeah? I’m fucking starving.”

Numbly, Harry nodded, following him as he led him back to the elevators. What the hell was that about? Niall pulled his arm, forcing him to follow when everything in him was screaming to go to Louis. Was he ever going to stop caring about him? Was it just going to be an endless cycle of feeling better only to have Louis thrown in his path and bringing it all back?

“Haz.”

He looked up, ignoring Niall’s irritation.

“What’s up? Sorry, I spaced.”

He gave him The Look. The one where he knew he was in for a “List of reasons why you shouldn’t do the thing you’re thinking of doing” and didn’t want to deal with it so he grinned, hooking his arm around his shoulders.

“Come on, Nialler. Let’s go get lunch and you can tell me all about this kid you’ve been texting.”

***

Louis sighed as he watched Harry and Niall walk away, ignoring Liam and Zayn peeking out of his office door. Stupidly he’d thought Harry had come to talk to him. Like they were starring in a movie and seeing him had made Harry want to fix things between them.

Closing his eyes against his tears, he leaned his head against the door frame, fighting off another breakdown. He startled as a hand gently landed on his back, Liam’s cologne surrounding him.

“You ok?” Tears started streaming down his face despite his best efforts to keep them at bay and he pulled back, looking up into those stupid, puppy dog eyes. Liam’s shocked face, eyes bright and full of fear, made him laugh even as more tears fell. “What did I do?”

He shook his head, not wanting him to go if he snapped about the asking people if they were ok thing.

“Nothing. Come here, I need a cuddle.”

The look of pure concern and contentedness that settled over his face made Louis cry even harder as he pushed him back and shut the door behind them

“I’m sorry.”

"Don't be. I just miss everyone and I know this is all my fault. Every bit of it. I just.” His lip wobbled as he met Liam’s glassy eyes. “I saw him, at Jade’s on the way here and he looks so good. I can see he’s better off without me.” He shook his head as Liam opened his mouth. “He is, but I stupidly thought he’d shown up here for me. So,”

He looked up to him and felt the dam on his issues bursting.

“I miss him so much. I ruined everything and he did the wave thing just like she used to and I don’t think he realizes.” He cleared his throat, trying so hard to keep it all in. “It just sucks because as much as I appreciate you and Zayn being here for me, the person I want to be holding me right now can’t and it’s all I really want. I just want my mom.” He felt Liam shaking a little as the office door clicked open. “I just want my mom, Li.”

Liam just hugged him tighter, mumbling about assholes and not dealing with things. Ignoring him, he just burrowed down, content to cuddle until he felt better - well, functional.

Just as he got himself together, Zayn entered the room, telling him they were leaving and he wasn’t sure how he managed to get them all a pass to leave early but knew he’d be forever grateful. He forced himself to be ok as Liam herded them out and home. When they were behind the safety of his own bedroom door, Louis let Liam pull him into his arms and tried to just sleep.

He woke sometime later, stretching out, and smiled as his hand hit someone. Peeking out, he made out the tuft of dark hair and rolled over, holding him for a change. Zayn wasn't asleep though and immediately threaded their fingers like he was trying to trap him there.

“I have a question. A favor really, and I think it’s stupid but Liam’s convinced it’s going to be good for everyone since he talked to Niall earlier.” Louis frowned as he nodded, pressing a kiss to his shoulder. He’d do anything for them at this point. “Ok. So. He wants us all to go out tonight. Like, all of us.” He swallowed hard, tightening his hands around Zayn’s waist. Shit. Ok. He could do that for them, right? He could face Harry and Niall… and possibly Brad. “Lou? Did I break you?”

He huffed a laugh, tucking his face into his neck. He needed to go, for them. Zayn and Liam hadn’t left since the day before. The least he could do was try.

“I’ll try.”

Zayn cheered lowly, making him laugh as he was jostled then met with warm brown eyes.

“You sure?”

He nodded, rubbing their noses together obnoxiously before settling down onto Zayn’s chest.

“God, that was fucking cute.”

He laughed as arms wrapped around him from behind, Liam’s cologne engulfing them, comforting him, and letting him drift off again.

***

Harry nervously adjusted his hair as Brad held tight to his hand. He couldn’t believe this was happening. How were they all supposed to hang out and it not be fucking awkward? Niall hadn’t even mention Louis’s name to him but twice and now they were all going to be together like shit wasn’t breaking down between them. Add the fact that Nick was coming along and it was like his worst nightmare was being served up on a silver platter, ready to have him screaming and running from the bar.

Ok. He needed to stop. He could do this. He could suck it up for one night. Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to calm down as they pulled to a stop in front of the bar. Liam was waiting by the door with a warm smile and hugs for him and Niall while Brad got the smile but a much more appropriate handshake.

“It’s nice to finally meet you.”

Brad smiled back sweetly, never loosening his hold on Harry’s hand.

“You too. Heard a lot about all of you.”

Liam eyed Harry before turning and leading the four of them inside. Hello, judgment. He could forgive him though. He didn’t really know the whole story to them. He looked up as they made their way in. They’d taken over the back few tables and Harry’s eyes immediately found Louis in the corner of a booth. He was almost curled in on himself, leaning against Zayn’s body. Zayn had a protective arm draped around him but a smile graced his lips as Liam made his way to him and bent to kiss him softly.

“Um.”

Harry laughed, tugging Brad’s hand.

“Yeah. Liam’s actually his boyfriend.”

He nodded, rubbing his thumb over the back of his hand. It didn't help, actually made things worse, but he appreciated the effort.

“Hey, guys.”

He smiled, waving slightly to Zayn and Louis. Louis looked up, eyes vacant and it sent chills through Harry as he plastered on the fakest smile he’d ever seen.

“Hey, Harry. Brad. Zayn this is Harry’s…This is Brad. Brad, meet Zayn.”

He smiled, shaking their hands and Harry breathed a sigh of relief that Zayn hadn’t been rude as Liam scaled the booth and settled in behind them. Nick waltz passed them, having already been properly introduced, and plopped down beside Louis. Louis smiled a genuine smile at Nick, that didn’t send jealousy racing through him, reaching out to hug him tightly.

Harry knew he was frowning. He did, but he wanted to know when the hell they’d gotten so close that a fist bump no longer sufficed as a good enough greeting. He’d actually been prepared for them to bicker all night, not this.

“What?”

His eyes trained on Zayn’s irritated ones.

“Nothing. Just. It’s nice to see them getting along for once.”

Louis snorted and returned to cuddling into Zayn and nursing a beer. Liam rolled his eyes as Zayn leaned back into him in the booth and kissed his cheek. Ignoring it all, Harry turned to Brad and smiled tightly. He felt anxious and weirdly out of control and wanted a drink.

“I’m heading to the bar. Want anything?”

He nodded, asking for a beer as he took a seat across from the picture perfect poster for polyamory and chatted with Nick while Niall took his hand and headed to the bar with him.

“That went way better than I was expecting.”

Harry grunted in response, making Niall cackle as he let go of his hand and slung an arm around him.

***

Louis watched Harry walk away and tucked himself tighter into Zayn’s side, his face taking its place in his neck as he reached out and clasped his hand tightly. He felt a kiss be pressed to his forehead and lifted his head long enough to give Liam a smile in thanks. It wasn’t as effective as he wished it was because his eyes were teary. He knew but he was still ok. He just needed a minute.

“Hey.”

He frowned, looking up as Liam wiped at his eyes for him and turned to face Nick’s soft smile.

“What’s up?”

He held out his hand, smirking.

“Come dance with me.”

Rolling his eyes, he sniffled a bit but followed Nick out of the booth. They passed Niall and Harry on their way out and he smiled worriedly at them as Harry stopped them, handing them a shot. Louis gladly downed it before turning his glass over on the tray.

“Thanks, Curly.”

Harry nodded, eyes shining as Louis was pulled away. Nick giggled, pulling him into his arms and bopping to the music.

“Sorry. You seemed in need of a break and I know how much you like to dance.”

He smiled, relaxing and letting himself feel the music, jumping and spinning around like an idiot with the one person besides Harry who didn’t judge him for it. Zayn would be cackling. Not that Nick wasn’t, he was just joining in, something Zayn wouldn’t do.

The song changed, a sexy beat blaring through the room and he swallowed hard as Nick pulled him in, eyes shining with excitement before turning him, practically draping himself over him.

“Humor me?”

He smiled back at him, guiding his hands down to his hips and giggling as Nick dug his fingers in, pressing right against him as he started to slowly roll his hips. He felt Nick’s breath on his neck as fingers slowly moved up his stomach, gliding softly across it as Nick held his left hip tightly. The song was almost over when Louis heard someone shout his name. His eyes popped open to Zayn standing in front of him, holding out a shot. Nick never moved as he took it and downed it.

“I think Nick’s in trouble with Harry.”

He laughed, the two beers and three shots he’d had making his head feel a little fuzzy.

“Nick. Harry would like his friend back, please.”

He looked at Liam and smiled as Nick untangled himself from him. He watched him slowly head back toward the table, head down, and Louis couldn’t help the smile he felt forming on his lips.

“We’re dancing for a bit. The tension is getting to Li.”

He nodded, making his way to the bar and ordering two more shots. The girl smirked and lined them up as he felt someone tap his shoulder. He turned, seeing Harry standing behind him, eyes dark. Wordlessly, he slid a shot over and ignored his feelings for once as their fingers brushed. The girl looked over at them and he gestured for two more. Nodding she set them down and he slid more than enough money to cover them toward her, thanking her.

He faced Harry and nudged the shot over.

“See you back at the table, Hazza.”

Stan waved to him as he started for the table and he ignored Niall waving him over, going over and hugging Stan to him instead.

"Hey, man."

Stan laughed, hugging him tighter.

"Hey, Lou. Want to dance?"

Nodding, he let him lead him out to the dance floor. His hands landed on Louis's hips and he didn't hesitate to roll them, grinding back into him. Stan was safe. His partner was usually here with him somewhere and was more amused by their antics than anything.

Someone took his hand and he was ready to tell Liam to fuck off but when he looked up, it was Harry, eyes dark and full of jealousy. He blinked as he was pulled into the body he’d missed so much and sunk into him as he wrapped his arms around his lower back and brought their hips together. He refused to be embarrassed at the groan that left his lips as he buried his nose into those wonderful curls he’d missed so much.

“God, Louis. Can’t fucking stand seeing someone else touch you.”

He snorted, pulling back and gave Harry a scathing look.

“How do you think I fucking feel?”

They stared, both breathing heavier and Louis saw the moment something in Harry snapped and barely had time to brace himself. He surged forward, kissing Louis with an almost brutal force. He felt his teeth behind his lips and squeaked, trying to push him off but Harry wasn’t having it. He took his hands and wrapped them around his neck, licking across his lip as he did, and Louis couldn’t resist anymore.

He threaded his fingers through his hair and tugged lightly, opening his mouth, letting him in. He melted into Harry’s arms as his tongue slid slowly over his own. He was shaking and light-headed, overwhelmed but in the best possible way. When Harry finally pulled away, he smirked down at him, making him whine. Pulling his hand slightly, Louis tilted his head, looking up at him through his eyelashes.  

“Wanna get out of here?”

He nodded, pulling Louis through the crowd, and quickly exited the bar. They didn’t have to wait for a taxi and Louis’s head was swimming by the time he sat in the seat. Harry was cuddled up to him, walking his fingers up his thigh as he sucked a bruise into his neck and felt fucking amazing. He was hot, felt like he was going to explode, and didn’t want to stop, wanted Harry to take him right there.

He turned his head, capturing those soft plump lips with his own and groaned into the kiss as Harry palmed him through his jeans. It had been so long since he felt anything close to turned on. Since their last night together and he was so ready for this. He didn’t know if he’d last until they got home if Harry didn’t quit touching him, but was too weak to have him stop. It just felt too good.

“Fuck. Louis.”

Harry broke the kiss, panting across his lips and chills shot up Louis spine at the want lacing his word.

“Yes, please.”

He snorted a laugh as the driver cleared his throat.

“We’re, uh, at your destination.”

Harry looked startled as Louis apologized and paid the man, tipping him more than he would normally due to their behavior and climbed out after Harry. They sprinted up the stairs and Louis used his key to unlock the door, practically tripping over his feet in his hast to get Harry inside. As soon as the door shut behind them, Harry stalked to Louis, lifting him off the ground and into his arms.  

“God, I can’t believe you danced with other people like that. Let them put their hands on you.”

He groaned helplessly, so turned on he just knew he was going to come from Harry’s voice alone. He felt his back hit the bed and hurried to take off his shirt as Harry popped the button on his jeans open, pulling them and his briefs off his legs. Dropping them to the floor, Harry smiled up at him.

“You wore these on purpose, knowing I’d be looking at your ass all night, didn’t you?”

He giggled to himself at Harry knowing him so well but it choked off into a moan as Harry closed his mouth over the head of his dick, sucking softly as he brought his hand up to stroke him. He had him panting and in tears from trying to hold off before he couldn’t take it anymore and pulled his curls roughly to get his attention.

“Fuck me. Please? I don’t want to come like this.”

Harry just nodded frantically, practically ripping their bedside drawer off and leaned over, cheering as he located the lube. He dug around again, frowning as he came up empty-handed.

“Condom?”

Louis blushed, shaking his head.

“I’ve not. I haven’t been with anyone. At all. My hand hasn’t even gotten any action. Promise I’m still clean.”

Harry nodded, stripping off his clothes before drenching his fingers.

“I am too. I haven’t. I’ve only kissed him twice and that was the night we met that I can’t remember.”

***

Louis gazed up at him with tears in his eyes that Harry desperately wanted to make disappear.  

“Ok. Ok. Let’s get on with it then.”

Harry laughed, circling his rim slowly before sliding a finger in slowly. He watched, mesmerized by the sight until Louis was whining, begging for another. Smiling, he tucked a second finger in along the first and scissored them gently, loving the deep moans leaving his lips.

“Fuck. Hazza. Please. Another.”

He frowned, adding a third, and bit his lip as he gripped the base of his own cock, trying to keep himself from coming as Louis’s wail of relief bounced off the walls.

“I’m ready. I promise I’m ready.”

Listening, Harry slicked himself up and lined up to his hole, pushing in slowly. Louis’s eyes were wide and his mouth was slack and Harry loved him. Knew no matter how much he tried to lie to himself, he’d never stop.

"I love you. So much, Lou."

Leaning down, he pressed a few kisses to his lips before pulling his hips back and rocking into him roughly, already too close. It just felt so good. The heat alone was going to do him in. He snapped his hips again and Louis keened loudly, scratching at his back. He moved faster, his stomach tightening as he did and he knew he was getting close.

“Ah. Love you. I’m gonna…I’m -”

Louis’s whine cut off into a choked out sob as Harry looked down and watched come streak up his abs.

“Fuck.”

He growled, leaning down and sucking another bruise into his neck as warmth fill his body, heating his blood until he was spilling inside Louis, holding him tightly.

***

Louis woke with a start as the delicious heat left his side and sat up, looking at Harry’s frantic face.

“Hey. What’s wrong?”

Harry swallowed harshly as Louis watched tears fill his eyes.

“This was a mistake. I’m sorry. I’m. I’m with Brad. I shouldn’t have done this. I’m sorry.”

He finished pulling his clothes on and disappeared before Louis could utter a word. He tried to hold it together but failed miserably as he shifted and was made aware of how sore he was. Tears filled his eyes as he pulled the blanket over his head, feeling more than a little used.

 

\-----------------------------

 

To say things weren’t going so well, would be an understatement. Louis was on edge and hurt and missing Harry. He missed his smile and his warmth. Missed breathing him in in the mornings and he was getting desperate for the smell that was quickly fading from the apartment. The bedding, the pillows, even his clothes had all lost his scent. He had tried every mix of products but no combo made it quite right. It was missing something every time. Something that had to just be unique to Harry.

He sighed, scrubbing a small amount of shampoo through his hair, glad to still have it. It was as close as he could get for now. Maybe it didn’t make Harry there, but it made the memories of waking up with his nose buried in his curls stay with him all day and that helped soothe him more than it should have.

Once he rinsed it away, he sank to the bottom of the tub and let the shower wash over him until the water started to turn cold. It was something that had become a bit of a habit for him over the last few weeks. The bite of the cold water for the first few seconds reminding him that he was still alive, even if he didn’t feel like it. Didn't want to be.  

He stepped out and toweled off before dressing in his softest sweats and Harry’s big white henley, staring at their bed as he combed his fingers through his hair. Visions of them intertwine, showing their love flashed through his head, making him teary-eyed as he took in the comforter’s half made, half rumpled state. He hadn’t made Harry’s side from the last time he’d slept there. It felt like he wouldn’t ever come back if he did and he couldn’t let that in. He already felt hopeless enough.

The fact that he was still wildly grasping for hope while there was nothing to grab made him feel sick as he turned and walked out. Harry hadn’t called or text him since the club incident and he was making sure he did a better job of hiding his distress so everyone would leave him alone. He didn’t think he could stomach Zayn and Liam there now, making things different. He didn’t want anyone in Harry’s place, even if Harry no longer wanted that place.

God, he needed a distraction, one strong enough to make him forget.

He made his way to the fridge, groaning at it being empty. He’d forgotten to go to the store on his way home. To be fair, Zayn and Niall having a not so whispered conversation about Harry and all he’s been up to, especially the fact that he was staying at Nick’s more now and still seeing Brad, at today’s meeting had wound him up. He wasn’t thinking of anything more than not crying before making it home after that.

He didn’t want to go out. He knew he was puffy faced and didn’t want the stares he knew came with venturing out. He could call for takeout, but they wouldn’t stop at the liquor store for him. Sighing, he pushed his feet into his shoes, pulling on his beanie before shoving his wallet into his pocket, completely over it for the day.

He angrily made his way down to the store and pulled the door open. Just as he passed the register, his shoulder clipped someone, ebbing his irritation. He stopped, looking up to apologize, but froze as Harry’s eyes met his.

Honestly, fuck the universe. What did he do to deserve this? He was being punished enough, wasn’t he? He lost his best friend and fiancé all in one go. Only to have him back for just long enough to give him hope then lost every trace of him but the small amount of soap left in his shower. Why would karma throw this at him right now?

He shook his head, trying so hard not to scowl as his eyes started to water. How the fuck did he even have tears left to cry? Jesus Christ.

“Sorry. Wasn’t watching where I was going.”

Harry nodded, his face full of something Louis didn’t want to see. He didn’t want concern. He fucking wanted Harry, with his warm hugs and soft kisses. He wanted happy smiles and belly laughs and stupid nights in watching movies they’d seen a thousand times and to be allowed to touch him again. He wanted Harry’s eyes to shine with love, not pity. He could take his pity and fuck right off with it.

Without another word, he stalked to the cooler and lifted a case of beer before walking passed an unmoving Harry and setting it at the register. The guy didn’t say a word as he rang him up, Louis produced his card and ID before he could even say the tally.

“Have a good night.”

He nodded, placing his card and ID back into his wallet and grabbing his now bagged beer. The walk home was a blur, tears clouding his vision. The people in the lobby ignored him as he started climbing the stairs. He held his breath until he was on his floor, and only let it out once he was in his apartment.

Fuming at the entire day he ripped the refrigerator door open, set the beer in the fridge, and slammed it closed as he wiped at his eyes.

“I fucking get it.” He looked up, feeling so lost and hopeless as he yelled out at whatever deity thought it was fun to fuck him over. “I fucked up. I know it. You can stop dangling him in front of my face now.” He felt the tears slide down his temples as he blew out a breath and fell against the wall, letting it hold him up. “I don’t think I can take seeing him look so happy when I feel like I’m drowning so, please. I get it.”

His voice was barely a whisper as he finished and he felt the stinging in his throat from his screaming and holding back the emotion threatening to burst free as he closed his eyes.

***

Harry was still reeling over how skinny Louis had looked. He actually looked like he was ill. His eyes had deep purple bags under them, making them look sunk in. He made his way numbly to the counter, barely aware enough to show ID and pay. Once his purchase was bagged and paid for, he started his walk back to Niall’s, chest heavy with concern. When he opened the door, he knew it showed because Niall sprang to his feet, taking the bag from his hand and setting it down carefully.  

“What’s wrong?”

He opened his mouth to tell him, but the only sound that came out was a little sob. He met Niall’s panicked eyes and swallowed against his tears.

“I saw.” His teeth were clenched in an effort not to dissolve into tears. “I saw him and he looked like death.”

Niall’s eyes went from panicked to pity so fast his brain must have whiplash.

“Yeah. I noticed.”

“You didn’t think to tell me?”

Looking up, he avoided Harry’s eyes, making him soften a little.

“You are so much happier now. I didn’t want you to go back out of pity.”

Sure, he was happy… ish. Since the bar incident, he really was trying to give Brad chance and it felt off but nice. It was nice because Brad didn't have him sitting around trying to figure out what he could do to get his attention. He didn’t plan romantic evenings for two, only to throw half the food away and eat alone but Louis was still the most important part of him. He was his first love and it hurt to know he was hurting so much because of him.

“I could get the girls to him. Make Zayn force him out. Have Liam make him fucking shave! Jesus, Niall.”

And that was how the rest of his night was spent, giving his friends the details they would need to help Louis get it together while Niall apologized enough times to make Harry feel bad for being angry with him.

***

Louis woke to a banging on his door and frowned as he blinked at the tiles of his kitchen floor. Could he not catch a fucking break? He tried pushing himself up and groaned at the stiffness in his neck as the knocking started again. He’d never wished for laser vision so hard in his life. The person on the other side of the door must have a death wish.

“Louis. Don’t make me use my key.”

Fuck him. He was under no obligation to answer the door just because the almighty Zayn Malik decided to pay a visit. He’d changed the locks anyway, not wanting Harry to be able to take what little of him he had left, so joke’s on him.

Grumbling, he pushed up to sitting as he rubbed his neck. Pain medicine. He needed pain medicine. Massaging his temples, he ignored the mumbled cursing from the hallway as he wished his headache away.

“I’ve got McDonald’s.” He could go get his own McDonald’s. “And coffee from Jadey.”

That he couldn’t get. He refused to go to the coffee shop to avoid running into Harry again. Sighing, he heaved himself up and grumbled as he made his way to the door.

“Seriously? You opened for coffee?”

Ignoring Zayn’s irritated sigh, he stalked over and plopped down on the clean side of the couch, leaving Zayn to have to move the pile of papers and clothing before he could sit down. He deserved it for waking him. Silently, he handed over the things he’d bought him.

Louis groaned as he took a big gulp of coffee before forcing down the McMuffin, not really hungry but not wanting to hurt Zayn’s feeling more than he already had. Once he was done, he grabbed the rest of his coffee and tucked himself into the corner of the couch to listen to whatever, “Get your life together” speech Zayn prepared.

“It’s been thirteen weeks since he left, Lou.” He flinched at Zayn’s words. Had it only been a handful of weeks? It felt like he’d been stuck in this hell of a life without Harry for years. “You need to stop. You can’t keep going like this. Your body isn’t going to make it, man.”

He gestured towards him and he brought his knees up to block his view. He knew he looked bad, he didn’t need someone pointing it out, especially someone as unfairly beautiful as Zayn. What is he supposed to say? “Sorry, someone left with every bit of my heart and without him, I feel dead.” Yeah, that’d go great. They’d overreact and slap him in a psych ward for suicide watch. So instead, he half-heartedly shrugged, hugging his knees tightly.

“Ok.”

“Here’s what we’re doing.” He opened his mouth to let him know he didn’t have to do shit but Zayn cut him off, talking over his protests loudly, “We’re getting you cleaned up and meeting Liam for lunch. Nothing major, but dude, we fucking miss you.”

And there it is, the guilt trip he should have seen coming from a mile away, but he had been distant. He couldn’t even remember the last time he spoke to Zayn and Liam outside of work, Liam finally having had it with him brushing him off. Huffing, he kicked out at him dramatically.

“Fine. Just.” He ran his hands over his face, already not looking forward to it. “Just let me shower.”

Zayn let him go and he forced himself to wash his hair thoroughly, using the last of Harry’s shampoo. If he cried it out while doing it, no one had to know.

***

Harry pulled his lip as he waited for Zayn’s call. There was a strong chance that Louis just ignored his attempts at getting into the apartment, even armed with his favorite breakfast. Just as he started pacing and pulling at his hair, his phone rang and relief swamped him as he rushed to the couch, tripping slightly as he did. Groaning, he sat down and accepting it, breathless from trying not to scream.

“Hey. Did you get in?”

He frowned as he heard Zayn sigh and a bag being shaken open.

“Yeah. It’s a fucking dump in here, man. Like, I can’t believe he doesn’t have roaches, or rats, or something.”

He winced at the disgusted tone but cut him off.

“Leave it. Don’t touch anything. If you do, he’ll feel judged and shut down. Just, clear a spot and wait.”

He heard muffled cursing and then an irritated huff.

“I get it, not being ok after everything, but holy fuck this is gross.”

“Get over it, Malik. Bigger things need to be accomplished right now, like making him resemble a living person.”

“I know.” There was a pause before he heard Zayn’s breath whoosh out of him. “Hang on.” He heard the shower as Zayn apparently got closer and then he heard it, little sobs that tore through him. “Lou, you ok?”

He heard sniffling and then a throat clear.

“I’m, uh, not feeling too well actually. Greasy fast food and all. Think I need to, to, reschedule on you. Sorry.”

The line clicked off as Harry felt a tear roll down his cheek. Maybe he’d been wrong in thinking Louis didn’t want him. Who was this torn up because of a break up if they didn’t want the person? Sighing, he laid back and scrubbed his hands over his face, torn between wanting to run to Louis or calling him and telling him he should have appreciated what he had while he had it and it wouldn’t be this way, but then, he’s the one who pounced on him at the bar and made things one hundred times worse for both of them.

***

It took a week for Louis to crack and make a trip to the store to replace Harry’s shampoo. A week of either calling in or showing up in sweats and not leaving his office. Zayn had been really lax on the dress code for him since he found him balled up in the shower so at least there’s that.

Grabbing a shopping basket, he trudged his way over to the aisle, frowning as he scanned the different labels looking for the right one. After looking for twenty minutes, he gave up. Refusing to cry about it in public, he grabbed a similar one and made his way to the register.

“This all for you today?”

He nodded, holding out his card. He knew he was being rude, but it was all he could manage without bursting into tears - which he didn’t think would go over well at all with how he looked. He hadn’t showered since Zayn’s failed Make Louis Human Again attempt, not willing to face the fact that the last thing that held his scent was gone.

The thing was, he didn’t want to have to replace something Harry had left with something he had to buy on his own. The whole comfort factor had been there because it was Harry’s. It seemed cruel now and he felt disgusting and broken in more ways than he’d like to admit but he couldn’t put it off any longer. He was starting to gross even himself out.

As he took his bag and receipt, along with his card, his phone rang, making people eye him as he just let it go until he was alerted of a new voicemail. Ignoring the people side-stepping him, he made his way home, barely stopping to lock the door before heading to the bathroom, ready to face the shower and the disappointment he just knew was coming.

Stripping down, Louis turned the water to the hottest he could stand it and stepped in with his newly purchase shampoo, sending up a prayer for the compare to Harry’s brand sticker to be right. He sighed as the water ran over his shoulders and grabbed it with shaking hands, fumbling to snap the top open. He just wanted to feel close to him for a little while. Wanted to close his eyes and breathe in something to make him forget how much he’d destroyed his life. Wanted something that let him pretend Harry was there, if only for a few minutes.

As he soaped his hands, he could already tell the scent wasn’t the same. It was similar, enough that someone not wanting the exact thing could let it slide, but all Louis could do was rinse it off his hands and slide to the bottom of the tub.

_“You’re pulling away. I’m. I don’t know what I did.”_

_Louis sighed as he grabbed at his hair._

_“You didn’t do anything.”_

_Harry scoffed, sitting down in front of him, taking his hands._

_“I obviously did. Just tell me.”_

_He shook his head, looking down into the emerald eyes he adored so much._

_“I’m just stressed. Between school, and work, and mom, and the babies, we barely see each other and when we do we’re arguing about bills or who has dish duty and homework. I’m just exhausted.”_

_He heard Harry’s humorless chuckle, making him crack a grin._

_“You’ve been avoiding me because you miss me?”_

_Well. It sounded stupid out loud but it made sense to him._

_“No. I mean, I do, but I just miss getting to be us. Like, doing stupid shit for fun. I miss our friends, hell, I miss Nick being around.”_

_Biting his lip, he watched Harry laugh, head thrown back and mouth wide._

_“I miss all that too. Zayn and Liam will be here next month. Niall’s coming back from home in a few weeks. Nick, well, Nick’s just down the street but he’s on a very different schedule.”_

_Louis rolled his eyes as he took his hand._

_“I know that.”_

Taking in a deep breath he hid his face, sobbing as memories flooded out.

_Louis walked in to find his youngest three sisters watching TV. They smiled, waving as he made his way into the kitchen. He found Harry at the sink, scrubbing a pan while singing._

_“Let’s go all the way tonight. No regrets, just love.”_

_He smiled, making his way over and squeezing his hips. He jumped, turning around but smiled when he saw that it was Louis, which shouldn’t have made Louis as happy as it did._

_“Hey.”_

_He shook his head, leaning up to press a kiss to Harry’s cheek before nuzzling into his neck, breathing him in. A calm washed over him, making him want to stay there forever just so the feeling never left him._

_He felt Harry’s arms lock around him as well and smiled as he finally relaxed into it._

_“Is it awful that I actually missed you?” He shook his head, making Louis giggle as he pulled back to look at him. “Also, thanks for everything you’ve done. You don’t have to help out with all this, though.”_

_Harry scoffed, poking him in the side._

_“I don’t mind. I wouldn’t do it if it bothered me.”_

_He hummed as the door opened and his mom’s voice rang out._

_“Louis! Will you order something for dinner, please? I’ve had a shit day and desperately need a shower.”_

_Harry smiled, eyes lighting up as Louis giggled and stepped back. When they turned, they both stopped short at seeing Zayn sitting at the table, a knowing smile on his face._

His vision blurred as they kept flashing through his head, tearing at the tattered pieces of his heart.

_“Spend the night?”_

_Harry’s face broke into a beaming smile._

_“Sure.”_

_Louis smiled, pulling Harry even closer, making his breathing hitch as he glanced down to Louis’s lips. Something warm settled in his stomach as he met Harry’s eyes. He bit his lip as he leaned in slightly, eyes full of questions. His own breathing was loud in the quiet of the kitchen and Harry seemed to have stopped breathing altogether._

_Slowly, he moved his hand up, leaving one to hold Harry to him, and tucked a loose curl behind his ear before letting it settle on his jawline, cupping his face as Harry leaned in slowly._

_“Louis?! Can you help…?”_

_They jumped apart as Lottie barged into the kitchen and stopped short at the sight of them._

_Holy shit._

_Harry was going to kiss him and he was going to let him. He closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths before facing Lottie._

Leaning out of the tub, he felt around until his hand touched the sweats he'd been wearing, pulling his phone free, and hoping he could make out the numbers as he closed his eyes.

_“I love you.”_

_Louis smiled widely as he cupped Harry’s face._

_“Yeah?”_

_He nodded, leaning over him, eyes expectant._

_“Well.”_

_Louis stifled a smile as Harry’s eyes lit up._

_“Well, what?”_

_His eyes flashed as he dug his fingers into his sides, making him squeal out a laugh._

_“Fuck. Harry. Ok. Ok. I love you too. I do.” Harry relented and he smiled down at Louis, making his heart stutter. “I mean it, Haz. I love you so much.”_

Louis wanted to scream as he heard the call connect. Wanted someone to bleach his brain of everything.

***

Harry frowned as his phone buzzed. Reaching down, he grabbed it from his pocket as a kiss was pressed to his neck. God, the timing couldn’t have been worse. Brad huffed, backing away from him and he groaned, letting his head hit the stall wall.

He was finally letting it all go, getting lost in the feel of someone’s lips on his and now he was being interrupted. Niall was going to pay. Just as he went to press accept, he caught the name flashing on the screen and his heart immediately dropped into his stomach.

“I have to get this. I’m. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah. Go ahead. I’m heading out anyhow.”

He opened the stall and that was that. He was gone like they hadn’t been about to take it further than kissing and Harry still had a ringing phone in his hand. It’s not like a phone call should be that big of a deal, right? Right. It was just the first one he’d received from Louis since he told him he needed space. Oh, and it just happened to happen right as he was about to let Brad have him. He tried to rationalize it, remembering he’d called him earlier, trying to check in on him, but it didn’t stop a weird, unsettling feeling from sinking into his chest. With shaking fingers he answered.

“Hello?”

He heard running water and frowned as he set down on the toilet behind him. Was he seriously in the shower?

“They didn’t have your shampoo.” He heard a sniffle, making his eyes water slightly at how broken Louis sounded. How defeated. “I looked and they didn’t have it and now I don’t have it.” He was slurring slightly and it somehow hurt more because he could tell by the raspy tone of his voice he was still crying. “I don’t have you at all now. You’re gone and you don’t want me anymore and I don’t know how to stop wanting you. How do I stop? I just want it to stop.”

He wiped at his eyes as he heard the bathroom door open, the sound of the bar filtering in reminding him of where he was. He hadn’t stopped wanting Louis. He just had to stop waiting for Louis to see him. To want him. The unsettling feeling grew to be almost painful, a need to check on Louis too fierce to ignore.

“Lou? Where are you?”

“Home. I’m at home.”

He winced at how tortured the sob sounded as he answered and it made his chest burn, holes being made he didn’t think would ever heal.

“Why is there water running?”

The sobs only got louder.

“Shower. It’s not the same. I need… It’s…” He gasped, shocked at something on his end. “Oh, my god.” He sounded so pained, so mortified. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

He hurried from the stall he was in and through the bar as the call ended and found Niall by the bar. He stood as he took him in and he groaned, hating that his emotions showed so easily.

“What?”

“I’ve gotta go. I’ll call you. I just…”

He didn’t finish, didn’t want to explain or be talked out of what he was doing. He just grabbed his coat and bolted. He caught a taxi and rattled off their address quickly, asking to stop at the store along the way. At the irritated glance, he promised the guy could keep the meter running. A satisfied smile settled on the guys face and he finally seemed to get that Harry needed to hurry and sped a little to get there.

When the guy parked at the little store by their apartment that Louis reused to shop in, Harry thanked him and ran inside. He grabbed his shampoo as well as the laundry detergent he always used. Thinking back to what Zayn said about the state of the place, he grabbed a few cleaning supplies and necessities before making his way to check out.

The driver raised his brows as he climbed back in with his things but said nothing as he pulled out and drove toward the apartment. With the man’s eyes off him, he called in an order for food to be delivered an hour later and sighed as he leaned against the window, ignoring the way his stomach was churning at the thought of seeing Louis again. Of being home again. When the car stopped, Harry threw money up to him before he could say a word, and hurried up the stairs to the apartment door. Setting his things to the side of the door, not wanting Louis to know his plans, he kept the lone bag of shampoo and razors. Taking a deep breath, he steadied himself and pounded on the door.

***

Louis groaned at the thumping on his door. He knew it was Harry. God, why did he call? He hated that he’d gotten himself so worked up that calling seemed like a good idea, and thanked God the cold water had hit him when it did.

The thumping got louder, making him cringe as he ignored it, rolling over and pulling the blanket up over his head. He didn’t want Harry to see him like this. Not when he’d heard him breaking down over fucking shampoo. Shampoo. It was like a wake-up call. He had to get his life together and he really didn’t want to see Harry until after he did.

“I will knock this door down if you don’t fucking let me in, Louis.”

He rolled his eyes as the banging got louder. Like he could actually knock down a fucking door. A loud thump, followed by a whine sounded, making him freeze halfway through turning over. It happened again and he sighed as he threw the blankets back and climbed out of bed.

Why was he in love with an idiot?

“Fine! I’m coming! Just stop before you hurt yourself!”

It was quiet as he made his way to the door and turned the lock. Taking a deep breath, praying for enough strength to endure a little bit of time with Harry without breaking, he pulled it open.

Harry stared at him for a few seconds before slipping around him, stepping inside. As he did Louis caught the smell of him and cursed as his eyes instantly got teary. God, he fucking missed him. He thought back to all the times he knew Harry was wanting him to be home and he ignored him. All the times he carelessly thought he’d be better the next day as he headed out with the guys from work. He didn’t want someone else, he never did, he was just stressed and between work and his whole family hinting at him to have a wedding, or elope, or have babies or adopt a few, just after he'd lost his mom was too much, he'd just...shut down.

Looking up, he blew out a quiet breath before turning to face him. He had to at least pretend to be a functioning person after that disaster of a phone call. When he was facing him again, he frowned as Harry fiddled with a bag, looking terribly nervous and out of place.  

“What’s that?”

***

Harry shrugged, unwilling to reveal his plan. Ok, he was nervous. They’d been off for a while and it was showing and he really needed to stop stalling. Louis needed a friend and they were each other’s best friend before everything and that’s what Louis needed right now, not Harry wallowing over their failed romance.

He looked him over, a frown growing at the greasy strands of hair. He had a few blemishes dotted along his forehead, both were signs he hadn’t showered in a while. He looked exhausted. Tired and skinny, his face pale. It all worried him, but nothing beat the sight of the huge bags under his eyes.

Pulling in a deep breath, he smiled his softest smile and pressed the bag to Louis’s chest. Louis took it, frowning as he pulled it open. He watched his eyes well up, staring at the contents like they were gold and he was suddenly trying to swallow past a lump in his throat.

When Louis finally looked up he had tear tracks down his cheeks, but he was smiling so gently it pulled at Harry’s heart.

“Thank you.”

It was so low and soft, Harry would have missed it had he not been watching him so closely. His heart hurt from how grateful he’d sounded. A mix of emotions coursed through him, confusion, anger, pity, love, hurt. It was almost too much, but he forced it down, his smile still in place for Louis. He could let it out later.

“Go, have your shower.”

He nodded, looking at him hesitantly. Harry heard him swallow thickly, looking up. He hoped he knew he could still tell him anything.  

“Can you not take…” He paused as his voice caught and Harry teared up too, looking away as he pushed his fringe away from his face. “Can you not take your sweater?”

Louis was blushing and Harry felt the first tear make it’s way down his cheek.  

“I won’t. Promise.”

He nodded, holding up the bag as Harry backed toward the door.

“Thank you.”

He wanted to go and hold him but he didn’t know if he was allowed and he hated it.

“You’re welcome. I’ll lock it as I go out.”

Harry held everything in tightly as Louis nodded, turning and heading into the bathroom. When he heard the shower, he snatched all the bags from the hallway, giving an awkward wave to one of their neighbors as she walked by.

“Good evening, Mrs. Adams.”

She shook her head, smiling as she opened her door.

“Good evening, Harry. It’s nice to see you here.”

He stood, holding all his bags and noticed her lone one.

She held up her bag, laughing softly as she shook it.

“Just some goodies. Wanted to go for a walk. Louis’s been helping me with the store. Good to have a distraction once in a while.”

He frowned as she waved and stepped into her apartment. The door closed before he could ask what she meant and he had things to do anyway. He could always ask later.

Once inside again, he started clearing surfaces quickly. After the counters, tables, and floor were clean of boxes and bottles, he did the dishes. The shower was still running when he was finished so he scrubbed down the counters and tables, happy to have something to focus on that wasn’t his own emotions.

After cleaning everything in the kitchen and living room, he tiptoed back to their room, wanting to change the sheets before he left. He groaned at the pile of clothing blocking his way. Ok. Zayn had been right. He should have an infestation of some sort.

Stripping the bed, he replaced the bedding with a set from their wardrobe before taking the old ones to the washroom and throwing them in with the newly purchased detergent. Once done, he walked down the hall toward the door. He needed to leave before he did something stupid, like yelling at him for being gross or breaking down the door and holding him close, promising to not leave him again if he could promise he’d change. Yeah, the latter had more of a chance of happening so leaving was best.

Hearing whimpers as he passed by the bathroom, he hesitated. They grew louder, making that need to be there for Louis come back full force and fuck his heart, man. He couldn’t leave him like this. Wiping at his eyes, he returned to their room, placed all the clothes in their hamper, and pulled a clean pair of sweats and a t-shirt from Louis’s dresser, changing quickly. Making his way back into the kitchen, he texted Niall letting him know he was ok.

***

Louis sighed as he let the warm water wash over him for a few minutes before grabbing the shampoo and working it into his hair, smiling at the smell. Harry actually came over just to bring him his shampoo. It made something in his chest flutter and the feeling was so foreign now, he startled, hitting his elbow on the wall.

“Fuck.”

He held it, whining until the pain lessened. Shaking his head, he chuckled to himself as he rinsed the shampoo free and pausing before grabbing his pouf and using it as a body wash too, scrubbing hard and sighing as he finally felt clean again.

Stepping out, he toweled off and stared into the mirror as he secured it around his waist. His scruff had turned into a full-on beard, he’d avoided his own reflection so much in the last few weeks the look of it almost startled him. He had a very hobo look going on. He snorted to himself at the thought and grabbed his shaving cream. Harry buying razors being a not so subtle hint.

Once his face was freshly shaven, he headed back to his room to dress. He froze in the doorway as he looked it over. Why did his ex have to be the perfect person? He left because of the way Louis had been acting and when it broke him, here Harry came, helping him. He really needed to get it together. Maybe if he could, he could win his heart back.

After dressing he made his way out to grab something to drink but stopped as he found Harry, dressed in his clothes, leaning against the counter unpacking food from their favorite Chinese place. The counter he hadn’t seen clear in weeks.  Looking around, he noticed that Harry had cleaned everything and tears filled his eyes again.

How was he supposed to ignore the want to pull Harry in and drown in him if he was here, being sweet and perfect? It reminded him of the time when they stopped speaking after getting together and Harry still packed his game bag for him every week, leaving good luck notes. He’d always been such a caring person and it made Louis feel sick that he’d taken him for granted. He cleared his throat, making Harry jump slightly before he turned around looking sheepish.

“Hey. I didn’t know…” He watched him scrunch his face, looking put out. “Why is it every time you shave it’s like you’ve stepped into a time machine and gone back to being eighteen?”

It was random enough to pull a giggle from Louis and it sounded weird to hear himself laugh again.

“I don’t know.”

Harry smiled widely, putting his hand on his hip. Louis swallowed at the sight. He didn’t know if his heart could take a flirting Harry Styles right now, it was barely handling a concerned Harry.

“Just admit you’re a time traveler and we can move on. _My_ Louis,” Louis’s heart lurched at those words. “is probably still in the bathroom hesitating on shaving his face and you thought you’d just walk in here to be funny with your eighteen-year-old, twink-ish self.”

He gasped, moving over to dig his fingers mercilessly into Harry’s sides, knowing exactly where he was most ticklish. Fuck his feelings for now. He couldn’t let Harry get away with that one. Harry tried to fight him off, laughing as he dug in harder.

“I was not a twink.”

Harry’s laughter only grew louder at that, his face lighting up.

“You were, but I was too.”

He couldn’t help the smile that lit his face at remembering a lanky, cherub-faced Harry. He stopped tickling him but kept his hands on him, holding his hips loosely.  

“You weren’t. You just hadn’t filled out yet is all. I, on the other hand, can admit I had the look for a while. I liked the attention it got me.”

Harry’s eyes sparkled as he flattened Louis’s fringe for him.

“Certainly caught mine. I don’t think I’d ever been mesmerized as quickly. One smile and I was yours.”

Moving his hands to the counter behind Harry, Louis smiled but it fell as he remembered the state of their relationship and he let his hands fall away.

***

Harry watched Louis’s eyes cloud over as he stepped back and wanted to cry. He’d been so happy and now he just looked so resigned. Instead of dwelling on it, he handed Louis a plate before piling some food on one for himself.

“We should eat. Maybe watch some television?”

Louis nodded, taking the plate and not looking at him as he stepped around him. Grabbing a beer, Harry planted himself on the couch and flipped through the channels, stopping on some cook-off show.

He felt the couch dip on the other side and rolled his eyes at how far Louis had sat from him. They finished eating in silence, setting their dishes on the coffee table and watching people frantically running around the kitchen on the screen. He felt his eyes drooping and looked over to see Louis huddling into his big, white sweater. He almost cooed as he stood and walked into their room to grab their comforter.

Typing out a text to Niall on his way back that he was with a friend, he ignored the “get it” text back, before pocketing it and settling back on the couch pillows, angling himself perfectly to be able to do something he hadn’t for so long, even before he’d left.

“Lou.”

His head snapped up and he stared Harry down as he took in his position. Hesitantly, he made his way to him, like he was afraid he’d be told off and it hurt to see but the look in his eyes hurt the most. He looked so fucking thankful. He sighed as he finally settled against him, head on his chest as he tucked his body into his side.

He pulled the blanket up over them and the last thing he remembered was Louis pressing a kiss to his chest.

Harry frowned, blinking his eyes open and looking down at Louis curled up on his chest.  It was Sunday, so neither of them had work and he missed him so he settled down, pulling him closer. He knew he wasn’t moving until he woke, no matter the pain he was in due to the awkward angle and having to pee.

Louis slept for fourteen hours. Harry spent five of those laying and waiting for Louis to wake up. He’d managed to shift him off his chest to lay beside him after a couple of hours so he could pee and eat, but he’d spent the majority of that time right where he was lying now, beside Louis. He was so fucking happy about it too. Happy that he got to see him scrunch his nose and blink his big, blue eyes open. Happy the bags were considerably less noticeable. Louis smiled, moving his hand to his hip as he finally woke up.

“Hey. Time is it?”

He smiled at Louis’s raspy morning voice, loving that he was getting to hear it again.

“Just after noon.”

He nodded, looking into Harry’s eyes, and he felt his own fill with tears as Loui’s watered, his smile sad.

“Harry?”

He frowned, cupping his face and it made everything so much worse.

“Yeah?”

He felt a tear roll down his cheek as he took in a ragged breath.

“I’m so sorry.” Harry opened his mouth, but Louis covered it with his hand, shaking his head. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. You didn’t do anything and I was such a fucking idiot. I was stressed and sad and everyone kept asking when I was going to do this or that and when we were going to have kids and why weren’t we married and I just wanted mom back. I know it's an excuse, but it all just got to me and I closed off.”

“It all seemed like so much all of a sudden and I didn't have her to help me sort it all and I absolutely hate myself for hurting you because I was scared. You didn’t deserve any of it and I always said I’d be better and then it never happened. I promise I won’t hate you if you can’t be around me now. I just, I love you so much. So much more than I even realized. You’re the only thing that matters.”

Harry could feel his pulse racing and he tightened his hand in Louis’s shirt as he tried to sort through all of his emotions. They were doing this. They were going to sort it all out. Ok. Maybe not all of it right now, but they were starting and he was terrified. His mind was screaming no while his heart was yelling yes and he forced himself to ignore that yes. Letting the danger signs win. The only thing he could focus on being self-preservation, so he just closed his eyes and let his own tears fall.

“I can’t go back to that, Louis. I can’t.” Scared, he opened his eyes and found Louis smiling at him, tear tracks down his cheeks. He could see the hurt there and knew his eyes mirrored it. Lips trembling, he sniffled. “I thought you didn’t want me anymore. I was always waiting for the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” speech. I thought you regretted our life together.”

Louis looked so wounded he had to close his eyes. He couldn’t see it. His heart couldn’t take it.

***

“You are, and will always be, my one and only. The day you finally spoke to me was the best day of my life. You’re the one that I want.” He wiped at Harry’s eyes, smiling as he laughed and tucked a stray curl behind his ear. “There’s absolutely no one else I could ever want.”

Harry smiled hesitantly, looking so conflicted that Louis had to give him a chance to process. He couldn’t just ask for Harry to come back, he had to prove he deserved him.

“Um. I’ve got to go in today, I’ve been slacking a bit and need to catch up. You want to grab breakfast with me first?”

Harry smiled in thanks, relief flooding his face.

“I can do that.”

Louis would take it. He smiled back, knowing he had a long road of gaining Harry’s trust again in front of him.

 

\-----------------------------

 

Louis woke up, a little nervous as he dressed for his work day. He was going to his first therapy appointment after work and was equally nervous and hopeful. He still had somethings to deal with and he kind of hoped Harry would join him if he managed to prove he was committed to changing.

He took his time, actually taking the time to do his hair and to actually dress in a suit. Something he hadn’t done in a while. He left, feeling better than he had in a while. He ignored the gawking in the office and Liam and Zayn catcalling him, in favor of actually doing his work. After a few hours, his phone pinged, making him smile as he grabbed it.

_Hazza: I’m bored. Next session isn’t until after lunch. What are you up to?_

He smiled down at his phone, ignoring his work for once this week.

_Just going over a report for Zaynikins. Bad day?_

_Hazza: Not really. Just, it’s fundraiser week. I don’t know if you remember, but it’s the week I do the same photo sets and they’re cute but cheap. And for some reason, every person who booked a package with me is trying to get a better deal. It’s just frustrating._

He chuckled to himself as he glanced at the clock. It was Harry’s lunchtime. He could go meet him.

_You at lunch?_

_Hazza: Yeah, at Jade’s._

He smiled, grabbing his suit jacket and shrugging it on before leaving his office, locking the door behind him. When he looked up, he caught sight of Zayn and Liam, making out against his door and started whistling.

He laughed as they jumped apart, both of them giving him their best glare but Liam’s soften when he took him in.

“Where are we headed?”

Rolling his eyes, he smiled, walking backward toward the elevators.

“Your boyfriend ok with you being this far up my ass, Li?”

Zayn laughed loudly as Liam pouted, making Louis feel bad. He was just teasing. He was in a good mood and it’s what he’d always done but he hated the embarrassment coloring Liam’s eyes so he walked back to him, hugging him tightly.

“Sorry, Li. Just going to grab some lunch. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

Liam wrapped him in his arms, kissing his head as he squeezed him closer and it was over, just like that. Liam held him for a long moment before pulling back and as he did, Louis caught the completely fond look Zayn was directing at them before he could school it.

Realizing he’d been caught, he shrugged, smiling shyly. Louis let it go, ready to go see his man.

He practically ran the few blocks it took to get to Jade's and wanted to giggle as he watched Harry stare down at his phone, the little wrinkle between his eyes giving away his irritation. Jade waved, smiling hesitantly at him as she looked between them. He waved back before going over and pulling out the chair opposite Harry.

“Hey, Haz.”

He looked up from glaring at the phone in surprise, making Louis give in to his urge to chuckle as he shrugged off his jacket. He looked so shocked and Louis really hated that he was.

“What are you doing here?”

He laughed, hanging his jacket on the back of his chair. Motioning to the register, he tried to speak through his chuckling.

“You said you were bored.”

He smirked as he left him, walking up to the counter and ordering as quickly as possible, eager to get back to Harry. It felt like it took forever, but eventually, his tray was placed in front of him with a wink. He scrunched his nose at her before making his way back, heart thundering in his chest as he took the chair across from Harry. His whole mood had changed since he’d left to order, something softer in his eyes, more open. He was going to allow this and Louis couldn’t contain his joy, his smile threatening to split his face.

“So, how’s Leigh?”

Harry hummed, stealing half of his sandwich with a wink.

“She’s good. Finally got her own apartment and is thinking about adopting a cat.”

“Aw, that’s awesome. I told you she’d be on her feet in no time.”

He smiled down at his plate then, thinking back to the timid girl who stepped off the bus, cutting Louis off as he was walking to work. She’d come with nowhere to go and nothing to her name and he’d immediately known she belonged with Harry. Harry’s smile was bright, happy as he took a bite of the sandwich he’d stolen.

“Misses you, actually. I do too. I’m really glad you came to see me, Lou.”

Feeling heat rise to his cheeks for no reason, he looked down. He just missed all of this so much. Couldn’t believe he’d let himself get so lost he managed to lose it. He promised himself he’d never make Harry feel like he wasn’t important again. He’d never take even just their friendship for granted again.

***

Harry groaned as he climbed the stairs to Niall’s apartment, ready to soak away his troubles. He’d had a long day at work after his lunch with Louis, dealing with little kids the whole day. Not that he didn’t love kids but sometimes they didn’t like him and his camera in their face and screamed.

That happened a lot today.

The only plus was being able to text Louis all day. About anything and everything. He frowned, realizing he hadn’t heard from him since Louis got off work two hours ago, and his heart sank. Maybe he was out with the guys now that he seemed to be feeling better. Harry didn’t know how to feel about that. He would be glad he was getting out but horribly hurt it was to go party.

As he unlocked the door, he noticed a bouquet of flowers just to the side of it. There were daisies dotted through the mix of yellow flowers. They were beautiful, little flowers like the ones you see from time to time growing wildly and it made him smile. It looked like sunshine. Picking them up, he opened the door and walked in to set them on the table when he noticed a card with his name. Smiling, he opened it.

_Sorry you had a shit day._

_Louis_

He laughed, heart full, as he set the envelope down and made his way into his room to grab some clothes, the bath calling his name. He probably shouldn’t be as endeared over flowers but he couldn’t help it. It was just a nice surprise and after everything, it was appreciated.

Clothing in hand, he opened the bathroom door. He froze, his breath whooshing out of him as he took in the room. Candles were lit and lining the counters, some around the tub and it was filled and steaming, slightly pink with petals through the water. Soft music was barely audible and he felt tears in his eyes.  

The front door opening and closing loudly made him turn around in shock. An enormous smile took over his face as he snatched up his phone, typing a thank you out to him. His phone buzzed a few seconds later with a text from Louis, making him blush and smile.

_Louis: You’re welcome, Love._   

He undressed quickly, sinking into the water and sighing as he laid back. He couldn’t believe Louis. He’d had to have rushed around and asked Niall for his keys and it was nice. Nice that he’d planned it all out just because he’d had a bad day. It was a piece of the old Louis, the one he’d fallen in love with, that he never thought he’d see again and it was as exactly what he wanted.

He emerged from the bathroom hours later to find Niall laying across the couch, munching on pizza and drinking a beer.

“Hey.”

He nodded, patting the spot beside him, not taking his eyes off the tv. He sat down wordlessly and smiled as he was handed a slice.

“Louis came into my office today. After lunch.”

He stopped eating, looking to Niall in confusion. He sounded pissed.

“Ok. What happened?”

He watched him take a bite of pizza before he finally got annoyed and nudged him with his foot. Niall looked over at him, eyes full of concern and oddly shining.

“He wanted my key to the apartment and to apologize to me.” He frowned, biting his lip as he watched Niall set his pizza down. “He said he realized that he’d been a massive twat, his words, and he completely understood why you left and he thanked me. He fucking thanked me for taking you in and keeping you positive and making sure you were ok.”

Harry swallowed, trying to keep his emotions in check as he listened.

“Ok. Why is that bad?”

Niall’s jaw tightened as he clenched his fists, shocking Harry. He rarely saw Niall upset and it always threw him off. It was like watching the sun dim, unsettling in a way that you couldn’t ignore.

“Because I knew how bad it was for him the whole time.” He didn’t understand and said as much. “You had me go grab your things while you met him at Jade’s when you left that first night.” He watched Niall blink back tears as he took a deep breath and it broke his heart a little. “He came running in, yelling for you as I was just about to leave so I hid in the pantry until I heard him start crying and I couldn’t take it anymore. I heard him losing it and I just left him and I never bothered to check on him because I was mad at him. I knew he wanted you and I pushed Brad so hard on you to get you to stay away from him.” He wiped under his eyes, laughing humorlessly. “Yet he apologized to me.”

Harry sighed, setting his pizza down, and ignoring his racing heart as he pulled a sniffling Niall into his arms.  

“You and I, we found each other when our lives were completely falling apart, Ni. Louis understands you being pissed just as much I understood Zayn basically telling me to fuck off. You were both trying to help in your own ways. I don’t think anyone thought Louis would spiral the way he did after the way he’d been acting.”

He felt Niall nod and smiled as he kissed his head, ignoring the hope blooming in his chest as they settled in, Harry falling asleep quickly.

The next morning, Harry woke up to his phone ringing, Zayn’s name lighting up his screen. Frowning, he answered it.

“Hello?”

“Jesus. Forgot how sexy you sound when you first wake up.”

He laughed, clearing his throat and sitting up.

“What’s up?”

“Want to have breakfast? With me and Li?”

He loved that they were inviting him out. They’d only gotten together a handful of times since he and Louis had broken up, all of them being before the club incident.

“Absolutely.”

“Ok. Meet at Jade’s in an hour?”

He nodded before realizing Zayn couldn’t see him.

“Yeah. See you then.”

He hung up and grabbed a quick shower before getting dressed, gathering his things for work and heading out. He made his way to Jade’s smiling as he took in the silence around him. He actually loved this time of day. Things were still quiet but the sun was up and it made everything seem new and exciting. When he got to Jade’s, Liam was feeding Zayn a bite of what looked like a muffin, making him giggle as he sat in one of the remaining seats.

“Hey.”

Liam smiled brightly at him as they both faced him. Zayn’s smile was a little more hesitant.

“Hey, Haz.”

He frowned at Liam’s business voice and instantly realized why Zayn had been the one who’d called. Liam couldn’t hide his emotions if he wanted to. His tone of voice gave him away every single time.

“Ok. What’s up?”

Liam groaned while Zayn just patted his shoulder, smiling much more warmly.

“Um, not that we wouldn’t have invited you anyway, now that you guys are working on things, but we know you’ve been talking to Lou and he had a therapy appointment yesterday and hasn’t mentioned anything to us. We were wondering if you knew how it went.”

He took a deep breath as tears threatened to spill over making Liam panic as Zayn cursed to himself.

“He didn’t tell you, did he? I’m sorry. I just assumed he would. He didn’t go into detail but something about shampoo made him realize how bad he’d gotten.”

He was still wide-eyed as Zayn finally got Liam to shut up and they both waited him out as he tried to take it all in. Louis was doing the one thing Harry had begged him to do for months and he’d decided to do it before they’d talked it out. He was so proud of him but also so hurt because he’d genuinely thought that they’d wanted to catch up.

“Um.” The odd mix of emotion made him feel off center as he stood and gathered his things. “I feel like you should probably ask him. I wouldn’t have told you even if I knew about it. He’s trying and that’s really all any of us could ask, so maybe let him work it out first, before needing to know how it’s going.”

His bad mood settled in deeper on his walk to work, and he’d already been dreading the last of the fundraiser customers, so he really wasn’t in the mood when Leigh Anne smiled at him as he set down at his desk, eyes bright and happy.

“And why are we grumpy this morning?”

He shrugged, turning on his computer as he lied a little.

“Not a fan of fundraiser week. I’m so fucking happy it’s almost over.”

She laughed, bright and airy, making a little of his irritation flee as he smiled.

“Oh, it’s not been so bad. The kids are fun when they aren’t crying.”

His smile softened at her words. Yes, the kids were fun. He loved kids, couldn’t wait to have his own with Louis one day. His smile slipped as he realized he’d never stopped seeing his future with Louis, not even when they weren’t speaking. It’d always been Louis waiting at the altar, standing with him as their children entered the world, or wrinkled and gray holding his hand as they watched the sunset. He was there through everything in Harry’s head and he struggled with keeping his breathing steady, realizing he was ready to just, be with him again.

***

Louis smiled as he walked into Harry’s studio, coffees in one hand, breakfast sandwiches in the other, and smiled at his assistant’s laugh. She was sitting on Harry’s desk, nudging his shoulder as he smiled. He didn’t catch her next words but Harry’s smile slipped and he looked startled, staring into space. Louis knew that look well. He’d get it anytime he was stressed or panicked. Concern seeping through him, he made his way over, setting their things down before tapping Harry’s shoe with his own.

“Hey, love. You alright?”

He looked up, his glossy gaze fixed on Louis’s. His cheeks were flushed and he seemed a bit startled.

“I’m ok.” He shook his head, readjusting his hair before clearing his throat. “What are you doing here?”

He smiled, taking his hand and rubbing circles over it like he used to do as he perched on the edge of his desk.

“Just wanted to come say hi before work. Thought you might like breakfast since my friends overstepped and ruined your morning.”

Harry sighed, shoulders hunching as he leaned forward, resting his head on Louis’s knee. Hesitantly, Louis placed his hand between his shoulder blades, stroking his thumb at the base of his neck like he used to when he’d get too stressed. He hummed, turning his head to rest his cheek there.

“Yeah. They did.”

He laughed, carding his fingers through his hair. His heart hammering in his chest at Harry allowing the contact.

“I know, baby. I’m sorry.”

They set quietly until Louis’s phone chirped, alerting him of a message from Zayn.

“I’d better go. He’ll be wondering where I am if I don’t clock in on time.”

Lifting his head, Harry smiled warmly as his curls bounced down out of place.  

“Ok. Text me when you can?”

He nodded, smoothing his curls for him before bending to press a kiss his cheek.

“Want to do lunch? All of us, I mean. We haven’t gotten together in a while.”

He left out that he hadn’t joined in long before they broke up, working through his lunches so he could go out earlier. God, he had been so fucking stupid and even if Harry never took him back, he was determined to show him that all that behavior was in the past. That he deserved so much more than a dick of a fiancé.

Harry was smiling when he finally shook away his thoughts, eyes bright.

“I’d love to. Twelve ok?”

He nodded, smiling wider as Harry stood, helping him from the desk.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” He pressed a quick kiss to his forehead before letting him go. “Have a good day.”

Harry smiled at him and it felt like heat was pouring heat through his veins. He wanted to kiss him so badly. The need almost overwhelming him.

“Thanks, Haz. You too.”

He quickly made his exit, afraid he’d give in to the want coursing through him and kiss him without making sure that’s what Harry wanted. Walking down the sidewalk, he smiled to himself at the thought that he might get the chance, at least until he walked into the office.

Niall was waiting, looking fidgety and it sent his good mood out the window, dread spiraling through him. Niall was happiness embodied. He hardly ever appeared to be anything but content with his life so when he was upset, it felt like the sun was fading around him. It was terrifying.

“Ni. What’s up, man?”

He knew there was a chance Niall was still pissed at him, he was still pissed off at himself so he couldn’t blame him, but he didn’t seem mad, he seemed upset.

“Can we talk?”

He nodded, waving to Jesy as he passed her desk, and pressed the button for the elevator.

“What’s going on, Niall?”

He shook his head, motioning toward the doors as they opened. He smiled as several of their co-workers entered but cursed them for the intrusion, resigned to waiting until they were seated in his office. The bell dinged as the doors opened and he led Niall down to his office and unlocked the door.

“I’m so sorry. I was an asshole and I feel so bad, Lou.”

He smiled sadly, sitting in his chair. He understood why he wasn’t though and he didn’t want people there for him. He’d even managed to push away Liam, whose persistence was otherworldly.

“Niall, you do not need to apologize. I was being a dickhead. I just looked around and everyone was pressuring me and I snapped, but I hurt Harry and I didn’t even realize how much until he left. Him leaving was the best thing he could have ever done. I don’t blame him for it and I’ll never blame you for being upset with me because I caused your best friend to be so unhappy.”

Niall’s eyes watered, andhe moved to hug him close but he stopped him.

“I just. I was there, when you got home, that first day after Harry asked for time. I packed his things and you came in and I hid.” He swallowed, tearing up as Niall fidgeted beside him. “I didn’t care that you were upset because you don’t know how many times he’d call me, asking what to do to help you. He was so sad and I pushed Brad on him, so hard, because I wanted him to get over you. I wanted him to be happy.”

It hurt but he’d always known where he’d stood with Niall. Niall would do anything for Harry and it took some of the hurt away to know Harry hadn’t been the one to leave him like that. Instead of getting mad, or letting that hurt fester into something he didn’t want, he leaned forward and wrapped Niall in his arms until he stopped crying and smiled as he pulled back, wiping at his eyes.

“I won’t say that it doesn’t hurt to know but I will say I completely understand. Um, Harry and I are having lunch at noon. Wanted to make it a group thing, though. You in, sunshine?”

He smiled, nudging his shoulder.

“Sure, man.”

***

Arriving slightly early due to a cancellation, Harry smiled at the hostess as she led him to their old booth. One he hadn’t seen in quite a while. It’d been forever since all five of them had been on good enough terms to do this.

There was the Ziam fight, then Niall’s freeze out, then Louis being a dick. He was so ready for the five of them to be together and happy again. As soon as he sat down, the doors opened and Louis walked in, rubbing his hands together nervously as he looked around. When his eyes fell on him, his whole body relaxed, a lazy smile gracing his lips as he motioned towards where he was sat. The hostess smiled again, letting him make his own way back.

Harry couldn’t fight the grin that broke across his face as Louis immediately slid into the booth, pressing right against him, wrapping his arm around his shoulders as he kissed his cheek.

“Did your day get any better, love?”

Harry cuddled in closer, loving the warmth radiating off Louis.

“Is it mean of me to say it was because one canceled?”

Louis laughed, pressing a kiss to his temple as he shifted slightly, making more room for him to fit against his side just as someone cleared their throat next to them, startling him into sitting up.

“So.” Zayn smiled as he slid into the booth and took the other place by Harry’s side. “What was that?”

“That was our business.”

Harry smiled widely, taking Louis’s hand beneath the table, threading their fingers as he did. Louis giggled into his hand at the put-out expression on Zayn’s face as Harry shrugged. He had always been the only one who could withstand his pout in their group. It was deemed his superpower. It helped that he was still a little put out about this morning.

“How have you been?”

“I’ve been good.” He smiled brightly. “We got approved for our house.”

Harry smiled widely as he reached over and hugged Zayn tightly, knowing he’d been trying to talk Liam into giving up their apartment for years. He always argued that he didn’t want to be too far from the rest of them, no matter how many valid arguments Zayn made for it over the years.   

"I'm so happy for you." He swallowed against tears as he tightened his grip. “I’ve missed you.”

He felt Zayn nod and felt his eyes water. Realistically, he knew the boys hadn't meant to take sides, they'd just kind of fell into the groups that they were before Louis and Harry had started dating, but it hurt a little now, because while he'd still talked with Liam, Zayn hadn't let himself be friendly toward Harry, he had closed off and it felt nice to be able to hug him, hold him and tell him he missed him.

They stayed like that for a bit and when he pulled back, Zayn’s eyes were glistening and Harry laughed as he wiped at his. He heard Louis murmur an “Aw”  and blushed. Liam and Niall showed up just as a waitress finally made it over to their table, greeting Harry with warm smiles as they slid into the last seats. Niall sat next to Louis and even he could feel how tense he was.

For some reason, the man refused to let his freezing out of Louis go, which, if Louis understood and forgave him, he should be able to do the same for himself, but no. He was shifting and awkwardly trying not to press against Louis, which was difficult in the small booth. The others had noticed too, including Louis, and the tension filtering between them all made Harry’s skin crawl.

Apparently having enough of the stares, Louis patted his shoulder, making Harry smile.  

“Hey.” Startled, Niall met his gaze, looking so uncomfortable and Harry didn't like it at all. “Could I get a cuddle? Haven’t had one in a while.”

Niall practically dove into his arms and it was what was needed to break the tension in the group. They spent the next hour laughing and eating and making plans to have a weekend together at the end of the week.

 

\-----------------------------

 

Louis smiled as Harry made his way into the apartment, giggling with Zayn as he did. Their guys’ night in was officially commencing with their arrival and he couldn’t help feeling giddy that Harry hadn’t even knocked. He’d just walked in like it was the most natural thing and it was because the was his apartment too.

Harry smiled at him as he set in the corner of the couch, arm along the back and eyes full of invitation. Looking around, he noticed no one was paying them any attention. Liam and Niall were discussing which movie to watch as Zayn set behind Liam and fished out his phone.

Fuck it.

He crawled across the couch and nestled into Harry’s side, closing his eyes as he took a deep breath, the feeling of being home washed over him and he smiled as Harry dropped his arm down to hold him close. They’d been too busy to see each other for more than walking to work together and grabbing lunch twice this week. Well, Louis said he was busy, but he wanted to show Harry he didn’t think he got to pick back up where they left off.

“I missed you.”

Harry’s stomach moved with his giggle as Louis felt lips press against his forehead.

“I missed you too, babe.”

They stayed that way even as Niall took a seat at the other end of the couch, laying his head on Louis’s thighs, laughing as Harry had to move his legs to let him into their cuddle. Zayn and Liam smiled from their place on the loveseat, making Louis laugh as reached down, running his fingers through Niall’s hair.

The doorbell rang a fourth of the way through the movie and Niall leaped off the couch, practically running to get the door making Louis chuckled, tucking his face into Harry’s neck. They all burst into laughter as they heard him happily greet the delivery guy. Liam and Zayn settled down before Niall got back, not wanting to offend him, but Louis couldn’t stop chuckling so he tucked in further, laughing more at Harry's giggles as he pressed a kiss to his head.  

***

“Some things never change.”

Harry hummed as they settled down, too content to even consider moving. He hadn’t had this in so long and it was so nice and warm and home. He kind of just wanted to be home and it was getting harder to ignore how much Louis was trying. He’d walked him to and from work every day this week, called or texted constantly, and had met up with him for lunch twice too, letting him rant about his days and paying afterward. It was nice and the frost that seemed to constantly be present with him since the breakup was absolutely melting because of it.

“Hey Lou, Haz, you going to eat?”

He felt Louis shift to sit up before hearing his yawn and smiling to himself. He’d not been able to sleep the night before, claiming the apartment was haunted. Harry knew he’d just wanted to call him and once they’d started talking, they didn’t seem able to stop. He’d ended up falling asleep listening to Louis ramble on about work and woke up to him snoring loudly.

“Yeah. Pass me a slice, Nialler?”

He sighed, finally opening his eyes only to find everyone staring at him.

“Just tired. Busy week.”

Liam’s smile was small as he passed him his box of food. They joked around and watched shit movies until the wee hours of the morning. Harry and Zayn were the last ones up and he tried not to laugh as Zayn struggled to get Liam to the quest bed.

“Come on, man. Help me.”

Pity won out over amusement and he shifted a sleeping Louis off his chest to help his friends. Liam groused as he got jostled, the two of them doing a horrible job of getting him to help them get him to bed. Once there, Zayn grumbled, letting him face plant to the bed as he snatched his cigarettes up.

“Be back in a few.”

Harry followed him, smiling at a very disgruntled Louis sitting up, huddling into his shirt.

“Tired, baby?”

His face brightened as he took in Harry and nodded, stretching his arms out. How was he supposed to deny him anything when he looked sleep soft and so happy to see him? Rolling his eyes, feigning annoyance, he bent down and lifted him into his arms.

“You two are honestly worse now than when you first got together. The fucking sweetness is sickening.”

He laughed as Louis stuck his tongue out at Zayn, flipping him off as Harry carried him into their room. He placed him in bed, going to leave, but a feather-light touch to his arm stopped him. Louis was staring up at him, eyes unsure but hopeful.

“Stay?” Could he honestly stay in bed with him, after this week, and not kiss him, or worse? He hesitated long enough that the hope fell from his gaze, replaced by regret. “I get it. It’s ok. Sorry I asked.”

Feeling his heart pounding in his chest, he slid his shirt off and looked away as he shimmied out of his jeans, folding them and laying them over their chair. He also ignored Louis hurriedly undressing to his briefs as he slid into his side of the bed. They kept space between them and somehow that made it worse. He felt out of place like he did all those times he was here in this same spot, just waiting on Louis to come home and it all came flooding back.

They were starting to toe the line of forgiveness, but it was harder than he thought it’d be in moments like this. In moments where Louis was like the Louis he’d met all those years ago. Sweet and funny, so nurturing and lovely he’d held Harry’s heart from the minute they met. He’d never understand how this was the same man who’d let him cry himself to sleep, who watched him beg for attention and never give it.

“Love?”

He looked over at Louis and his eyes filled, tears spilling down his cheeks. Louis’s face turned panicked as he took his hand, making it so much worse. He tried to speak, but all that came out was a sob that had Louis pulling him in close, rubbing soothing circles on his back as he whispered sorrys into his skin.

Face buried in his warmth, Harry finally calmed down enough to speak, though it was shaky.

“How could you do those things to me, Lou?”

He felt a trembling kiss press against his shoulder and his tears started again. Louis’s grip tightened and as he spoke, his voice thick with his own tears.

“It was like I was on autopilot. I just, I’m so, so fucking sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I hate myself for hurting you. If I could take it all back, I would. I’d do anything to stop you from feeling unwanted because you have never been. I’ll always want you and I’m going to spend the rest of my life showing you how special you are. That you deserve the world.”

He could only cuddle in closer and he cried until his eyes were heavy with sleep. The last thing he heard was a very wrecked sounding, “I love you so much.”

***

The next morning, the guys all set around Harry and Louis’s dining room table, talking loudly and ignoring the way Louis jiggled his leg constantly, flattened his fringe, and quietly let everyone else fill his silence.

He was too consumed with Harry’s whispered, shaky questions from the night before. He wished for some way to redo those few months after his mom’s death, wished he could go back and handle it with all the tools he’d learned in therapy so Harry never had to question how important he was to him, even then. He couldn’t bear the thought that he’d never get the chance to show Harry how much he’d been working toward changing, or dealing with his “abandonment issues”, as his therapist called it. He just wanted the change to prove he could be the man he deserved.

“Louis?”

He snapped his eyes up from his cup, smiling tightly in Liam’s direction and ignoring Harry worrying his lip.

“Yeah?”

He smiled, that stupid puppy-eyed smile that got his way with Louis far more than it should have, and shrugged.

“Just wondering if you’d like to join us for a night out, as that’s what we’ve been talking about.”

Wide-eyed, he looked to Harry and found him biting his lip with an uneasy set to his body. Why would they bring this up to him in front of Harry? Liam’s face pinched, looking so upset as he glanced between the two as if he’d finally connected the dots of his mistake and as much as Louis hated it, it wasn’t Liam’s fault. Sighing, Louis did the only thing he could think of and let his hand fall to Harry’s knee and squeezed it softly.  

“Only if H is going too.”

Harry smiled brightly, eyes gleaming as he leaned over and kissed his cheek. Louis blushed as he pulled back and let his own hand find his, lacing their fingers, and squeezing his hand tightly.

“Of course I’m going.”

***

The club was packed and Louis was slightly tipsy, dancing obnoxiously with Harry as music blared around them. His eyes were bright and lips a bitten pink that made them stand out against his pale skin, drawing Louis in, making him want things he knew he couldn’t have. Not yet. Harry was watching his every move, pressing against him, purposely brushing his lips across his neck or cheek whenever he could do so without it being too obvious. It was all too much and Louis was slowly losing his mind. As Harry turned, grinding back against Louis’s already half hard cock, he finally admitted defeat and blew out a breath, squeezing his hips tightly to get his attention.

“H. Baby.” Harry hummed, leaning his head onto his shoulder to press a kiss to his neck. It tingled, not helping him keep a level head. “As much I’m loving this. You’ve gotta stop.”

“Getting to you, am I?”

“Shut up, Harry. You sound like fucking Yoda.”

He cackled, pressing a lingering kiss to his neck, loving the strangled groan he let out.

“No, I don’t.”

Louis huffed, sliding his hands up to rest on his stomach instead of his hips.

“Sort of did, H.”

Harry laughed, turning in his arms, latching his lips to the spot just below Louis’s ear that drove him crazy, and groaned as he roughly brought his hands up to pull his hair, trying to get his attention. Laughing, he pulled back, eyeing the mark left behind with pride.

“Not really.”

“Fine.”

His voice was airy, heavy with want, and it made him blush. He pulled away, smiling even as Harry’s guard shuttered back into place. He turned away before Louis could say anything and he didn’t know what to do so he just made his way back to the bar and ordered a beer, sitting down and waiting for his friends to be done for the night.

Only someone sat beside him, making him roll his eyes because he knew who it was before they even spoke.

“Want to dance? Last time you were here, someone stole you from me. Should really make it up to me, Lou.”

He laughed, deciding that goofing off with a safe friend was better than wallowing over a drunk Harry being mad at him.

***

Harry glared at Louis as he danced around with Stan. He knew Stan, he knew Stan was married, and yet, Louis playfully grinding against him had Harry ready to call it a night and go wallow in Niall's bed.

"Babes." He looked over to Zayn, smiling as he held out his hand. "Stop glaring and come dance."

Rolling his eyes, he took his hand, letting Zayn lead him into the throng of people, giggling a little as he pulled him in close, settling his hands on his hips. Moving to the beat, he blushed as he felt someone move in behind him and grind against him.

He looked back and laughed as Liam smirked up at him.

"You two are ridiculous."

Liam shrugged and Harry laughed as they switched between silly dancing and grinding for a while before Niall's laugh rang out next to them, making them all look over. Louis was holding his hips, giggling as Niall twerked against him, making the people around them cackle.

"Oh, my god."

Right. It'd been forever since they all went out and he didn't realize how much he missed this, being stupid with his favorite people in the world. He snorted before belly laughs shook him as Zayn leaned in, resting his head on his shoulder as his laughter broke free too.

Liam managed to pull them both over with him and Harry loved him for doing it because after having a tantrum earlier, he was too embarrassed to face Louis alone. He shouldn’t have worried though because Louis just smiled brightly at him, crowding him up against Zayn, making him blush as Liam and Niall decided to actually dance around the room.

Before he knew it, it was last call and he didn’t want to have to go, having too much fun goofing off and just being with his friends and he’d missed it. Felt like maybe he’d been missing out by choosing to stay home because they were grown now and it was time to grow up. Maybe it didn’t have to be an either or choice. Maybe they could have both.

He was pulled from his thoughts by Liam laughing in his ear, helping him out of the front doors and out into a car he didn’t recognize. The man seemed nice though as Niall took the front seat and he was settled in Next to Louis as Liam sat beside him. He frowned, looking for Zayn, only to end up with him stretch across his lap, laying across the three of them and it only earning a tired chuckle from the guy driving.

“Too much fun, huh?”

He met the man’s eyes in the mirror before turning to take in Zayn burrowing into Louis’s arms.

“Nah. I’d say just enough.”

He met Louis’s eyes as he turned and smiled as he mouthed out sorry. Shaking his head, he smiled as Louis had the man stop at Liam and Zayn’s, giggling as Liam stumbled out and hauled Zayn up, telling them all bye. Louis was quiet as the man drove through town, but held his hand out for Harry, making him smile to himself as he took it, holding it tight.

He started to see familiar buildings and huffed as they pulled to a stop in front of Niall’s apartment. Turning to look at Louis, he knew his disappointment was showing as Niall paid the man and climbed out.

***

Louis chuckled to himself as Harry pouted and climbed out of the car, rounding it and pulling open his door, extending a hand to help him up. He watched Harry pout even more as he took it, joining him outside the taxi.

“I’m sorry about earlier. I just didn’t want us to regret anything.” He smiled as Harry blushed. “I hope you had fun tonight.” He watched him fight a smile as he took both his hands. “Come on, I’ll walk you up.”

He smirked as an irritated Harry laced their fingers and let him lead them up the three flights of stairs to Niall’s floor. Once they were standing outside it, Louis pulled him close, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek, loving the content sigh that escaped his mouth.

“Goodnight, Haz.”

He pulled back beaming down at him.

“Night, Lou.”

It took all his willpower, but he pulled away, pressing one last kiss to his cheek before letting him go.  

 

\-----------------------------

 

Hearing his phone chime, Louis smiled ignoring Liam rolling his eyes as Zayn lit a joint. Just because they agreed to spend the weekend apart, didn’t mean he couldn’t talk to Harry. Things had been going so well between them since last weekend. They’d gone out alone and had dinner twice and Harry had stayed over both times and nothing more than spooning happened and it was so much better than he’d ever thought it could be.

It was like getting to fall in love all over again, only he already knew everything about the person, so there was no awkwardness between them. So, Liam and Zayn, with their solid, firm relationship could shove off. He was finally feeling happy again.

_Hazza: I’m dying._

He laughed as he took the joint from Zayn and brought it to his lips. Taking a deep pull, he held it.

_Why?_    

He blew it out slowly before doing it again.

_Hazza: I’m sick and Niall is fucking annoying._

He choked on the smoke as he laughed, holding the joint out to Liam as he covered his mouth.

“Fuck. That sucks. You ok?”

He nodded, clearing his throat as he wiped at his eyes. His mind fuzzy and his heart telling him to take his chance.

“I’m fine.”

_You could always come home, Harry. I won’t think that it means things are magically ok between us._

He watched the dots disappear and reappear several times as they passed the joint between them.

“What’s up? You’re quiet.”

He looked at Zayn, smiling a little.

“I’m trying to talk Harry into moving back in.”

Liam groaned as Zayn’s face lit up.

“Seriously?”

He nodded, putting the joint out.

“He’s sick and Niall’s getting on his nerves. I told him I wouldn’t think it meant anything if he wanted to. I don’t think he’s gonna go for it but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity.

“It’s a bad idea and he’s the reasonable one out of you two. Of course, he’s not going to accept.”

His phone chirped again and his eyes watered as he read the message.

_Hazza: Ok. I know things aren’t magically going to be ok, but I could still use cuddles. I am sick after all. Be there in a couple of hours._

Fuck.

“Ok. I need you to get out. I’ve got to run to the store.”

“No fucking way.”

He smiled widely, wiping away a tear as it fell.

“Yeah. He’s coming home.”

He smiled as they swamped him, hugging him close and he loved that they were happy or him, loved them for everything they sacrificed to help him. Liam fussed over him as Zayn gathered their things, making him roll his eyes, but he couldn't fight his smile.  

“You ok to go by yourself?”

He nodded, his smile growing. He couldn’t help it.

“I’m good. I’ll text you if I need you. Liam.” He paused before he pulled the man into a tight hug. “Thank you for everything. For being here, even when I thought I didn’t want you to be.” He looked over and giggled as he pulled Zayn to him. “You too, babes. I don't know what would've happened if I didn't have you two.”

“You'll never find out either.”

Kissing both their cheeks, he pulled back.

“I need to go get medicine and stuff so I’ll see you soon?”

At their nod, he turned and bolt, walking quickly down the stairs and out the front door. Once at the shop, he grabbed everything labeled for colds, tissues, and Harry’s favorite tea. He hesitated, deciding to grab a few necessities as well.

The cashier smiled, scanning everything quickly and bagging it.

“Have a good day.”

He smiled to himself as he nodded. This was the best day.

“Thanks. You too.”

Walking a little further down the street, he smiled as he opened Teasdale’s door.

“Hey, Jade. Harry’s sick. I’m here to load up on soup for him.”

He saw Jade smile at him from the counter as she yelled out for someone in the back to get a few to go.

“Hey, Louis.”

He looked to Nick in surprise as he turned around.

“Um. Hi.”

Rolling his eyes, he got up and hugged him.

“I take it you guys are good?”

He shrugged as Nick gave him back his personal space.

“Not really. He just misses his bed, so.”

Scoffing, he pushed his shoulder.

“It’s not the bed he misses, Louis.”

He nodded, not really wanting to get his hopes up.

“It’s what I need to believe right now.”

His eyes soften as Jade cleared her throat.

“It’s ready. I put some things for you in there as well. Take care of him, ok?”

Her eyes showed that she knew and he swallowed hard as she set three bags down.

“Promise I will.”

Nick nudged him over, taking them.

“Come on. I’ll help you home.”

***

Harry sighed as he set his bags down outside of the apartment, ignoring Niall’s grumbling the whole time.

“I’m just saying. I think it’s too soon.”

Leaning against the door frame, he gave him his best glare.

“I hear you, I do, but it’s what I want.”

Looking defeated, he nodded and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“Fine. Then I will respect your choice. I love you.”

Finally. Jesus Christ, he thought Liam was the most persistent one all this time. Man, was he wrong.

“I love you too, Ni. I’ll text you later.”

He left with a nod and Harry sighed in relief as he picked up his bags and opened the door.

“Harry. What are you doing?”

He rolled his eyes as he set the bags inside. He was feeling a little weak, really wanted to shower and curl into Louis.”

“I’m trying to get inside so I can cuddle you.”

Louis giggled, making Harry smile. He’d been dealing with Niall’s hovering for the last several hours and he was so glad to see someone who would be reasonable and let him do what he wanted.

Even though all he really wanted was to shower and curl into Louis, who giggled as he shut the door softly behind him.

“I’m going to take a shower. I feel gross. Be ready to be used as a human pillow when I’m done.”

He nodded, pulling Harry in close before he could walk off, hugging him tightly. He struggled against it, knowing he had to smell gross but Louis just laughed and gripped tighter. Feeling lips against his cheek made him blush as he pulled back. Louis's eyes were wet and he was sniffling a little.

Their gazes held for a long moment, Louis smiling at him like a goof. He wanted so badly to just skip the shower and go to sleep in Louis’s arms. Louis seemed to catch on to his thoughts and tutted, pointing down the hall.  

“Go take your shower. It’ll make you feel better and you know it. I’ll get you some soup ready for when you get out.” When he pouted, Louis just laughed, instead of getting mad like Niall. "You can sleep after, promise."

Sighing, he walked down the hall and into the bathroom, turning the shower on. He was ready to wash away his day and just climb into his bed. He could feel his headache coming back and his nose was already stuffy again. Leaning back into the water, he groaned as it washed over him, feeling a little bit like heaven. He shampooed his hair and was grabbing Louis's pouf, soaping it when he heard the door open.

“Hey. Sorry to barge in but you didn’t bring clothes in with you so I brought you some.”

He laughed as he scrubbed at his body.

“Thanks, babe.”

“You’re. Um. You’re welcome. Soup’s ready when you are.”

God, he loved him.

“Ok. I’ll be out in a minute.”

The door shut and he stepped out, toweling off and sighing as he looked to the sink. He didn’t have his deodorant.

“Haz?”

Louis poked his head in, smiling at him softly as he handed over his toiletry bag.

“Thank you.”

He nodded, looking pointedly down as he shut the door. It was ridiculous. He'd seen Harry in so many vulnerable situations, but it still made his heart beat faster that he was being so careful with him. Like he was afraid he'd send him running.

***

Louis blew out the breath he’d been holding as he made his way back to the kitchen and filled a bowl for him. He’d known he was going to have to readjust but, man, having Harry here and not holding him and kissing him, was hard. Blowing out another deep breath, he turned to grab a water from the fridge.

“Thank you, Louis.”

Facing him, he smiled as Harry took in the assortment of medicines and the snacks he liked. When he caught sight of the containers of soup, his face lit up.

“You went to Jade’s.”

“I did.”

They stared at each other for a while, both silently warring with themselves until Harry closed the distance between them, hugging Louis to him tightly and making everything in him turn to mush.

“I missed you.”

They both pulled away smiling as Harry took his soup and parked himself in front of the TV.

“What are we watching?”

Louis shrugged, grabbing his own soup and joining him, draping the blanket he’d brought out over their laps.

“I don’t know, honestly. Just pick something off Netflix.”

Harry looked over at him, smile wide as he loaded it. Louis ignored him, knowing what he was thinking, and scooped a spoonful of soup into his mouth.  

“Louis. Are you trying to Netflix and chill me?”

He choked, spraying his soup everywhere as Harry cackled so hard he started coughing and knocked his soup off his lap. Louis just stared at it all, trying his best to catch his breath.

“Haaaazzz.”

He refused to let Harry clean it up, sent him to bed after having him eat another bowl of soup at the island and take more medicine. It took a while, but he finished and decided to go join Harry, hoping he could get a nap in before his medicine wore off again.

Gently climbing into bed, he pulled Harry close, spooning him and absolutely loving it as the day caught up to him, sleep pulling him under easily.

Louis groaned as a searing heat in his side woke him. He looked down, taking in Harry bundled in blankets, curled into him. Groggily, he reached down and pressed the back of his hand to his head, tsking as he pulled it away.

“Hazza. Move over a little. You need medicine. I’ll get it, ok?”

He coughed but didn’t budge so Louis forced him off him and made his way to their kitchen, sorting through the medicine until he found something that’d work. He held it tightly, grabbing some juice before heading back to hopefully forced it into Harry.

“Hazza.”

He whined, burying himself in the comforter. He’d know as soon as Harry said Niall was getting on his nerves that he’d been sick and wasn’t listening to Niall. Harry tended to turn into the world’s biggest baby when he was sick.

“Baby. Please. Just get up long enough to take the medicine and you can go right back to sleep. I’ll even let you cuddle and get your sicko germs all over me. Just, please. Take the damn medicine.”

He sighed, sitting up and holding out his hand.

“I’m sorry. I don’t feel good.”

He chuckled at his pouting, earning a glare as Harry took the medicine and juice from him.

“I know, sweetheart. This will make you feel better though, ok?”

He nodded, handing the glass back over and untangling the nest of blankets he’d made.

“Thank you for not getting mad. Niall got mad.”

Setting the glass down on the nightstand, he climbed back into the bed and pulled Harry against his chest.

“You’re welcome, baby. Get some rest, ok?”

He nodded, cuddling closer as Louis pressed a kiss to his head.

“I love you, Lou.”

Tearing up, he carded his hand through Harry’s curls.

“I love you too, Haz. So much.”

Grabbing his phone, he settled in to wait it out. After too many rounds of subway surfer and checking in on the other boys, he finally felt Harry moving around, sniffling as he stretched, frowning up at him.

“I feel way worse but I’m hungry.”

“Soup?” He shook his head, biting back a smile. “Eggs, maybe?” He giggled, reaching down and squeezing Louis’s ass. He snorted, rolling his eyes at him. “You’re so funny.”

He could already tell he was pouting and it took everything in him not to laugh.

“Eggs sound ok. Scrambled though?”

Louis nodded, pressing a kiss to his cheek, still trying not to giggle.

“It was funny. It’d be funnier if I didn’t like it quite so much so quit your pouting.”

He pulled back and lost the fight against his laughter as he took Harry in. His eyes were round, mouth dropped open. He quickly closed it, licked his lips, looking up at him. Louis's laugh died as he felt heat swoop through his stomach.

“Sorry for teasing you then. I wasn’t trying to.”

Slightly huffy, Louis climbed free from the bed.

“Keep it up. Remember who’s taking care of you.” He smiled, making his teeth show and hoped it was creepy. “The things I could do.”

Harry cackled, launching his pillow at him.

“Go get my food, wench.”

Bringing his hand up to his chest, he feigned indignance.

“Well, I never.”

Harry started to laugh but it turned into a wet cough, making Louis feel bad. Quickly walking out, he grabbed cough medicine and some juice before returning to Harry.

“I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t think. Take this and I’ll go make you something to eat.”

He nodded, taking it before handing the cup back with a disgusted pout in place.

“Tastes like I’d imagine battery acid to. Just saying.”

Giggling softly, he leaned forward, resting his forehead against Harry’s.

“I’m sorry you’re feeling bad. I wish I could make it better.”

Harry hummed softly as Louis felt warm, wet lips against his own. He froze, heart pounding in his chest as Harry’s hand came up to tangle in his hair and pull him closer. Breath unsteady he moved his lips, gently kissing Harry back as he tugged him closer, holding him as tightly as he could.

When Harry pulled back, his lips were puffy and his breathing was more labored. His hair was a mess, oily and everywhere, but he’d never looked more beautiful. Feeling his hands on his face, Louis faced him.

“You make it better just being here.”

He hated that he blushed but he couldn’t help it.

“You said scrambled eggs?”

He smiled, nodding slightly.

“If you think you can manage to not burn down the apartment, then yes. Scrambled eggs sound pretty amazing right now.”

They ate in bed before Harry nodded off again. Louis just pulled him closer, closing his eyes and breathing him in. He felt Harry trying to burrow in closer sometime later and giggled as he faced him, pushing his sweaty curls from his face.

“Babe?” He hummed as Louis twisted an extremely oily curl between his fingers. “Fancy a bath?” He smiled at his groan and pressed a kiss to his forehead, finding it much cooler. “You don’t have to but I think you might feel more human if you take one while I change the sheets. I’ll make you some more soup and we can cuddle more. If you really don’t feel like it though, you can stay right here and I’ll stay until you feel like it.”

He heard him huffing as he twisted away from him.

“I’ll take one. Will you start it though?”

He pressed a kiss to his temple as he climbed over him and smiled as hands on his hips stopped him from moving.

“Thank you for everything.”

He smiled, kissing his nose before hopping free.

“No thanks needed, sweetheart. I’ll love being with you." He swallowed as Harry teared up. “I’m sorry I ever made you doubt that. I’ll be right back to help you up.”

He started the water, turning his phone on low, playing one of Harry's old favorites before he walked back out, finding him almost asleep again.  

“Haz?” He looked up and smiled as Louis held out his hand. “I’ll bring you some clothes as soon as I changed these sheets.”

Letting him pull him up, he giggled as he passed him.

“Thank you, Lou.”

He nodded, already stripping the bed so Harry shut the door. Once Louis finished getting the bed made, he went to the kitchen and pulled Harry’s soup from the fridge, emptying it into a pan to heat it up. With it set on simmer, he made his way back to their room and grabbed Harry’s bag, sifting through it until he found his softest pajamas, briefs, and a t-shirt. He grabbed his own change of clothes before heading in to check on him.

“Haz? You good?”

He watched his head roll to look up at him and smiled at the content look on his face.

“I’m good.” He stared at him for a long time before he set up, moving to the middle of the tub. “Join me?”

He swallowed as his hands instantly got clammy. He wasn't ready for that. It felt like too much without knowing exactly where they stood.

"I don't think that's a great idea." Harry's face fell and he hated that he was the reason for it. "I can stay with you if you want though."

“Ok.”

He sat at the edge of the tub, smiling as Harry eyed him carefully.

 

“Want me to wash your hair?” He nodded, thankful that Harry seemed to get it and ran to grab a cup before taking his place at the edge of the tub again. He set to work, making sure he got his curls clean and conditioned before helped him up and helped him dry off. 

"I can dry myself off."

He smiled at his pout as he held out his clothes.

“I know that  Let’s get you dressed and fed so we can sleep some more, ok?”

Once he was dressed, they made their way to the kitchen and ate together on the couch, sitting close as they watched TV.  It was the most boring thing to happen between them in a while and Louis loved every minute of it.

***

Harry woke up feeling less like death and left Louis sleeping to go shower. Once he finally felt human again, he stepped out and made his way back to their room and dressed quickly, excited to wake Louis.

Smiling, Harry climbed into bed and wrapped his arms around Louis tightly, kissing his neck softly.

“Louis. I feel so much better. Can we go out?”

Louis groaned, rolling over and giving him his best glare. He wanted to laugh because even with his most fearsome glare he still just looked adorable but he knew better than to let his humor show and bit his lip as he met the grumpy man’s eyes.

“Please?”

Louis groaned as he pulled the puppy eyes on him.

“Fine. Where do you want to go?”

Harry smiled widely, so glad that he’d gotten his way.

“For a walk. Get some fresh air.”

Louis seemed to hesitate, his face pinched with nerves.

“Can we talk first?”

Harry’s stomach dropped. He ran through everything they'd done, trying to figure out if he'd done something to make Louis uncomfortable. Louis looked so upset, but he cleared his throat. He didn’t want to ruin whatever was going on between them so he beat him to it, holding out his hand.  

“Um. I just.” Harry paused as he took a deep breath. “I just want to be us again. I know shit happened and things were said and we should talk and we will, but for right now, can we just agree to go with the flow? You want to cuddle, we’ll cuddle. You want to hold my hand while we’re out today? Please do.”

Louis nodded, seeming to war with himself before he sighed, biting his lip.  

“I just need to tell you some things and then we can, sure.” Harry nodded, taking his hand. “I've been going to therapy." He held his breath, not wanting Louis to close off if he reacted. "It's been." He paused, eyes tearing up. "It's been hard, but helpful, and I still miss her, you know? She was the only person I knew I had in my corner, no matter what for a long time." Harry felt tears start to well up as Louis sniffled, clearing his throat. "Then I had you and I took you for granted. I just assumed you'd be here. I never realized you'd even think of leaving because I thought you just knew how much you meant."

He looked up, breaking Harry's heart all over again.

"I need you to know that even with baby steps, my heart is all in. I’m all in and I want you back. It may be too soon but I need you to know I’m hopeful so if you don’t think you can move past how I made you feel then I need this to stop where it’s at if I’m meant to be ok.”

Harry nodded, looking down as Louis left the room and groaned as he fell back to their bed. What was he supposed to say? He didn’t know if they could work it all out and he couldn’t lie but he wasn't ready to give up. He knew he wanted him back because he knew now that it was just a giant misunderstanding and childishness on both their parts for refusing to face their problems before they tore them apart. With newfound confidence, he marched to the bathroom, ripping the curtain back. Louis screamed, dropping the shampoo as he clutched his chest.

"Stop screaming. It's just me."

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would fucking you do that?”

He laughed as Louis threw the pouf at him, hitting him in the face as he shut off the water and wrapped a towel around his waist.

“I’m sorry. I was just excited to tell you that if you think you can be patient and we don’t just ignore problems when they come up then I want to try again.”

***

Louis scrunched his face before his composure fell, a few tears sliding down his cheeks as he pulled Harry into his chest, crushing their lips together. Harry groaned into it, hands grasping his sides as he licked over his lips. Louis didn’t let him deepen it, pulling away as he bopped his nose.

“Thank you.”

Harry smiled, squeezing his hips softly.

“I want this too, Lou. Don’t thank-”

He was cut off by Louis attacking him, pulling him in close and kissing the absolute shit out of him. Harry tried to squirm away but Louis wasn't letting him. The desire to just, be with him took over and colors burst behind his eyes as Harry's body melted into his as he finally kissed back. He moaned against Harry’s lips as he kissed back with more enthusiasm than he’d been expecting, and searing heat rushed through him as Harry's hands ran down his sides and tapped the back of his legs. Louis smiled into the kiss as he jumped a little to help him and wrapped his legs around his waist.

“Harry.”

He shushed him, turning them and pinning Louis against the wall, using his thighs to hold him up. Louis gasped as the towel that he'd wrapped around himself was peeled away and flung carelessly to the ground.

He tried to pull off Harry's shirt, but he wasn't moving, just staring at his body and Louis hated it. He knew he looked different and hated Harry always bringing attention to it. Instead of saying anything though, Louis, buried the words he knew were bubbling up and tugged on Harry’s shirt more forcefully, finally making him snap out of his gaping. Harry let him pull it off before he was back on him, kissing him roughly as he plastered himself to him and Louis couldn’t help the sigh he let out at the feeling of him pressed all around him.

Goosebumps bloomed along his skin as Harry kissed his way from his lips to his neck, grinding his hips against Louis’s. He whimpered, clinging tighter to him as he nipped at his neck, his breathing loud but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Was too wrapped up in his love for this man. Threading his fingers through his hair, he pulled, loving the moan Harry let free as he forced him away.

Rejection swamped him as he set his feet on the floor. Of course, too much too soon. God knows he did, he didn’t want to make a wrong move and unintentionally ever hurt Harry feel again. Harry just smirked though ridding himself of his jeans, calming the hurt that had washed through him.

“Excited?”

He laughed as he stood but Louis cut it off, kissing him hard as he inched him back toward the bedroom. Shaking his head, Louis opened the door as Harry kept giggling into his mouth, driving him crazy. He slid his lips over his again, loving that he immediately sought to deepen it, sliding his tongue over Louis’s in a way that had him breathless as he pushed him back. Harry’s eyes flew open as he grabbed for Louis, breaking their kiss as he pulled him down with him.  

Louis landed between his legs, laughing as he tried to get up, making Harry giggle as he pulled him forward, connecting their lips again. Louis finally felt the unease of being close to Harry leave as their laughter faded as the kiss grew more heated, lips slick and tongues searching as Louis let his hands run greedily over Harry’s body. Tracing the laurels on his hips, rubbing over the swallows on his chest, his skin soft under his palms.

When Harry pushed him up, he froze, watching him twist and reach around, rummaging through their bedside table until he pulled out their bottle of lube. When he settled back onto the pillows, holding it out, Louis swallowed harshly.  

Without a word, he took it, drenching his fingers before holding himself up with one arm, the other moving down, fingers brushing Harry’s rim. He tensed, gripping the sheets as he pushed the tip of one inside, just barely before hesitantly sliding it inside him.

Harry moaned, head falling back as his mouth went slack, breaking their kiss. Louis smiled and moved to his neck, nipping the skin lightly before peppering kisses there as he wiggled his finger around, trying to get Harry to relax. He finally felt him blow out a breath and push back against his finger, making Louis smile as he slid another finger alongside the first. The groan Harry let out had his stomach swooping, heat seeping in and setting him on fire.

He twisted his fingers, trying to find that spot inside him that would break him into a quivering mess, as he felt Harry’s fingers sink into his hair and yank his head back, looking right into his eyes as they fluttered, his stomach burning from the pain.

 

***

Only a thin ring of blue was left as he sealed his lips over Harry’s, making him grunt from the force of it. Louis kissed him until he was rutting against him, his body coiled tight with want. As he pulled back, he shook in Louis’s arms.

“I’m…” He moaned loudly, rotating his hips as Louis finally grazed his prostate. “Oh, fuck.” He couldn’t help the whining, he really couldn’t. He needed Louis to fuck him. Now. “I’m ready. Please. Please, just...”

Louis’s finger left his body, leaving him feeling empty but before he could complain, he felt him push in slowly. He cried out, gripping his shoulders as he moved over him, sinking in until he was completely inside. Their eyes met and held as Louis stilled, waiting until Harry was wiggling, leaning up kissing him softly.

“Move, please. I need you. Need you so much, baby.”

Harry bit into Louis’s lip as he wrapped his arm back around his waist, lifting him slightly and snapping his hips forward. He squeezed his hips tightly, swallowing the cry that left Harry’s lips, pulling him closer as his walls gripped him tightly.

“God, you feel so good. Can’t believe we’re doing this again.” Harry’s breath hitched as he pulled Louis’s mouth back to his, sloppily licking his way inside. Louis couldn’t fight it either, just let him have his mouth. When he pulled back, it was to arch his back, gasping as Louis thrust into him. “I love you so much, Lou.”

At his words, Louis’s eyes popped open, tears filling them as Harry wrapped his arms around his neck, pecking his lips softly.

“I love you too. I do. So much, Hazza.”

Harry smiled at him easily, pulling him closer as he slowed down, savoring the moment as long as he could.

“I'm sorry." Louis pulled in a deep breath as Harry teared up. "Sorry for leaving.”

Louis shook his head, caging him in with his elbows at his head, brushing his curls off his forehead.

“Don't be, baby. I get it. I do.”

What was he supposed to say to that? Tearing up, he moved his hands to his hips, rubbing circles into them with his thumbs. The smile on Louis’s lips as he looked down at him, so full of love and hope and forever, grabbed the pieces of his heart and stitched them together, making him want so much more.

“I want you so much.”

“I’m all yours. For however long you want me.”

“I’m always going to want you.”

Biting his lip, Louis pulled back gradually, pushing in just as unhurried and he loved how they just fit. It felt so amazing to be with him again, so destined, and he couldn’t believe he almost lost it. He felt his tears fall as Louis kissed him sweetly, pulling back just as slowly before thrusting forward, leaning down so they were chest to chest.

***

Sparks surged through Louis as he tilted his hips, listening to Harry whine as he pressed right against his prostate. His head full of want and heart full of love, he let his fingers tangle into Harry’s hair, grasping for anything to hold onto to keep him from floating away. He was so close to tears it made it impossible to keep a steady voice as he pulled back, cupping Harry’s face in his hand.

“Forever?”

Harry nodded, his eyes shining as Louis started thrusting harder, a little faster. Desperate to make him feel how much he wanted him. Bringing his hand down, he wrapped it around his cock, moving it in time with his thrusts.

“Yes.” It was a barely-there whisper against his lips, panted into a kiss. It sent a rush of heat through him, pushing him even closer but he fought it, wanting Harry to come first, needing him to. Harry was still nodding as he moved their bodies, trying to angle his thrusts just right, running his thumb over the head of his dick as he did. “Of course,” The heat settled in his stomach as he twisted his hand, making Harry whine as his hips jerked up, his voice breaking. “Always. Always, Lou.”

His mouth hung open, his hips stilling again as he came over Louis’s hand, body clenching so tight Louis fell over the edge with him, whimpering as he emptied himself inside him.

They laid there for a while, panting and warm and so in love neither of them wanted to be the one to break the moment but Harry finally started to shift around, letting Louis know he was getting uncomfortable and he smiled as he pulled free, kissing him quiet as he started to protest.

"I'll be right back. Promise."

Harry just smiled at him and he smirked as he made his way to the bathroom. He wet a washcloth and made his way back, cleaning Harry up gentle and then tucking them into bed, smiling as he held him to his chest and shushed him every time he tried to apologize until his snores were being puffed out against chest and Louis's eyes were too heavy to keep open any longer. Pressing one last kiss to Harry's head, he let his eyes drift closed, knowing they were going to be ok because he wasn’t willing to let anything come between them again.

  
  
  


 

 

 


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